Monday, July 2, 2012

Time warp

How long has it been since my last post? Two weeks? Three? It seems like a lifetime ago to be honest. I don't think there are words to explain the tornado of emotion in my life, and even if there was I don't know that it's possible to untangle everything and identify individual, specific feelings.

I feel a certain sense of relief. Knowing that I'm moving forward, letting go of some heavy, rusty chains that have been holding me down for a while. I don't mean to say my marriage was holding me down, just that there was some baggage, personal and otherwise. I came to believe certain things about myself that couldn't be more false, and I let someone else determine my worth. Nobody can have a healthy relationship with that kind of dynamic.

I've been trying not to talk about my ex all the time. It makes me feel like he still has ownership of my life and I'm torn between venting and allowing him the free rent in my head. I can talk about devastation and sadness and self respect and growth and sorrow and confusion and liberation and all those other things without mentioning him. It's not all about him. It's about me. It's about standing up, brushing yourself off, steadying your quivering bottom lip and deciding to take a step. And another step. And another.

Wake up. Breathe in. Breathe out. Make it to the end of the day. Lather, rinse, repeat.

There are things I know to be true now, unequivocally. I know that if someone tells you repeatedly all the things that make you a terrible parent, friend and spouse, and then says they want you in their life...one of those things isn't true (and chances are you already knew that). I know that eventually you have to realize that all the "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" in the world doesn't heal wounds and you have only yourself to blame for choosing to believe it in the face of all logic and reason. I know that allowing someone to push your buttons and guilt you into doing what they want doesn't mean you're devoted, it means you refuse to be devoted to yourself. If someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, I refuse to be the extra slice waiting in the wings. If you're sticking your fork in another piece, I'm obviously not that important to you.

Conversely, I've learned that good people sometimes do stupid things. It doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them people. I know that things not turning out like you planned doesn't make the Gospel any less true, it just makes you reassess what "true" and "eternal perspective" really mean. I have learned that reality will eventually sort out truths, the things that others try to say about you will eventually come out in the wash, and sometimes the best defense is to just shut your mouth and move on. I've learned that you have to fix yourself before you can try to fix someone else. I know that people who set strict rules for you that they can't even follow themselves aren't in a place to tell you who you are and what you're worth. When you realize what you're worth, don't let anyone talk you out of it. Life isn't black and white. If you think you've got it all figured out, you better buckle up because you are going to be thrown for a loop, probably sooner than you think and it'll probably be a doozy.

I know that, in the end, we're all the same imperfect person. We may manifest it differently, but we're all going to make mistakes and fall. You will fail horribly at some point in your life. Most likely several points in your life. But there will always, ALWAYS, be people who love you, who want the best for you, and who will support you. Even if it's not exactly what you want, it may be exactly what you need...