tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24665015380121011182024-02-20T09:52:12.734-08:00Suck It Up ButtercupMohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-27303789400224706352015-07-27T17:57:00.001-07:002015-07-27T17:57:07.469-07:00Hey there youHey there me, nice to see ya.I'm terrible at time management and easily distracted by life's responsibilities, so I was busy juggling rather than writing.Thanks to those who have sought me out to ask how I am. It's good to hear there are folks out there worrying about you and pulling for you when you're slogging through the awful stuff. <br />
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I made it. Just so you know.<br />
I made it through fire. Can't say I made it through unscathed, but I definitely came out the other side much tougher than when I went in.<br />
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Had to move to an apartment when my landlord suddenly decided they were going to rent the house to a family member rather than renew my lease. There's a pool, so the kids adjusted well. The smaller space and forced community has been a little more difficult for me to adapt to, but I'm learning to focus on the positive side of it.<br />
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Tore my knee up at work in February. Months and months of physical therapy later I've come to accept that it will never be "back to normal". I am very bad at "taking it easy" and I am learning a great deal about patience and self care. <br />
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Surgery on my throat in March. I am finally able to eat a whole meal of whatever I want without impacted food causing me to vomit in order to clear my throat. Eating like a normal person is amazing. When I spoke with my doctor 2 months post-op I made him cry at my description of how life changing this surgery was. I have gained 15 pounds. I am loving every minute of learning how to experience food again.<br />
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Other things have been more challenging. I never in a million years imagined that I would end up where I am, and it has been one hell of a journey to get here. As a co-worker said some months ago, "Well THAT'S not at all what I was expecting."<br />
But I'm healthy, I'm happy, I have learned and grown so much.<br />
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And <br />I didn't get divorced.<br />
But that's a story for another time.<br />
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<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-64180061677148870272014-11-16T23:48:00.001-08:002014-11-16T23:48:55.038-08:00So. Life. It kinda sucks sometimes eh?That first month was hell.<br />
A kind of hell I could never imagine. Or even find the words to describe in hindsight really.<br />
I was physically unable to eat. I couldn't sleep when I was alone, but when I was around people all I wanted to do was sleep. I really couldn't believe most days that I even had the mental capacity to remember how to breathe.<br />
Being associated with that man has led to problems at work. Apparently when you're married to someone with an ethics problem you get painted with the same brush. My career has taken a major hit and it's bound to get worse before it gets better.<br />
The depth and variety of the pain I felt...unimaginable. To be used and abused in such a callous manner just strips every shred of humanity right out of you. <br />
Then came the ulcer. Vomiting blood and staggering abdominal pain. Informing your doctor that you need the whole spectrum of STD testing isn't exactly a walk in the park either fwiw.<br />
And still I was willing to compromise. Still I believed that if I just worked hard enough and loved hard enough and sacrificed enough it could all work out.<br />
I know exactly what flipped the switch inside me. I'm not ready to share that story, pride or raw wounds perhaps, but maybe I will someday. Suffice it to say that enough was finally enough. I think my exact words went something like "Stay away from me you lying, manipulative, abusive fuck." I am eloquent above all else.<br />
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That delightful conversation happened while I was out of town for work, and the rest of that week was amazing. I was able to see so many old friends who I missed dearly, and I was surrounded by love and joy the whole time. Somewhere in there I found it again. That spark I thought he had killed forever, turns out it was just a quietly smoldering ember, waiting for the right blend of fuel to bring it back to life.<br />
Some days are harder than others obviously, but most of the time I can remember who I am and slap that smile on my face and make it look easy. As my Rosie the Riveter tattoo reminds me, I'm one tough chick, I can do this. It may not always be pretty, but the important stuff gets handled.<br />
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I filed for divorce a month ago. I didn't have the money to file everything so my best friend wired me the difference from another frakkin country to make it happen. When you're little your best friends gives you their cookies, when you're grown up they give you money for a divorce. Friendship is a funny thing.<br />
Still a few months left on the waiting period, but he was in so much of a rush to be rid of me that he signed a Joinder and the terms ended up relatively favorable for me and the kids. No court date means less opportunity for me to punch him in the throat in public, probably a good thing.<br />
The kids still don't know. He's been out of the house since January so this isn't a big change for them, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject with them. The first time he left us my daughter ended up in counseling for months and since they're all doing well for now I'm in no rush to ruin that. I'll figure it out eventually.<br />
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About a week after I returned home he showed up on my doorstep. Since he was blocked from my phone and Facebook and email and even Twitter I was unaware that he'd been trying to reach me. I will admit to far more malicious glee at watching him get on his knees and beg than I really should have had. I've heard that song and dance before, though never quite like this. We have reached a tenuous truce that allows us to maintain professionalism at work and allows me to stay out of jail because the desire to inflict bodily harm has mostly abated. By all accounts he has finally realized he's one messed up fellow and is trying to address that. He's attending regular therapy sessions, he has tried to convince management at work that I am above reproach, and he does things like coming over to mow my huge lawn when he knows I'm not home to stop him and tell him to go to hell. I hope he fixes himself, I really do. But mostly I hope I can fix myself and somehow heal from everything that I've been through in the last few years.<br />
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Some days I'm tougher than I thought, and some days I break down at the slightest thing. There's a lot of anger and that's hard because true anger is not something that comes naturally to me. I'm learning that my whole-hearted optimism is great, but only when tempered with an understanding of what people are emotionally equipped to do. I'm learning that being wary of people isn't a bad thing, it's a wise way of protecting oneself from the unknown.<br />
Bears can kill and maim. They're not evil, it's just a bear doing what bears do, but you still have to be aware and alert to protect yourself. Right now, everyone I meet is a bear. I don't think they're evil, but I acknowledge what human nature is capable of and remain alert for signs of danger...and that's not so bad.<br />
<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-64797912392368181602014-10-01T23:24:00.000-07:002014-10-01T23:24:03.335-07:00I have been emotionally abused for the last 2 years.I never thought it could happen to me like it has, but as the dust settles and the fog clears I'm starting to recognize what someone else has done to my life.<br />
This man is devoid of emotion. He told me that he finds the most unattractive and vulnerable women on line that he can because he knows he can get them to do what he wants. He doesn't care about the acts they perform, he just likes getting them to do whatever he says. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he only takes a woman out for dinner or drinks because he likes the challenge of getting a sex act out of them afterward.<br />
This is the man who had me bending over backwards to prove my love to him. This is the man who had me convinced I'm too needy and too empathetic and not understanding enough. This is the man with whom I entrusted the rest of my life.<br />
He ate my soul, I have nothing left. And I never saw it coming.<br />
I am grateful for friends and professionals who are attempting to drag me out of this hell hole I am in. I have a long road ahead of me trying to heal from the destruction this has caused me. The fact that someone could take someone with a strong sense of self like me, turn them into an empty shell, and never even think twice about it is horrifying. That people like this exist in the world scares the ever loving shit out of me.<br />
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1 in 25 people is a sociopath. That means that 1 in 25 people has no conscience whatsoever to speak of. We are their playthings. If it can happen to me then it can happen to anyone. Inform yourself, because I never want to see anyone end up where I am right now.Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-86455514078463471892014-09-27T23:12:00.000-07:002014-09-27T23:12:02.583-07:00OKAY, fine, I'm ready to admit itI married a sociopath.<br />
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I know a lot of people say that when they're mad and they get abandoned by a spouse (for a second time in my case), but when even the person you're talking about has admitted they clearly have Antisocial Personality Disorder there's just no room for questioning.<br />
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The short version is this:<br />
3 months after my wedding I caught my husband visiting webcam chat sites. Then it was dating sites. Then, finally, when he was texting someone else in right in front of me, I kicked him out.<br />
He was sleeping with random people he picked up on Craigslist and doing...other things....that I can't even bear to admit to dear friends, much less write here.<br />
Two months later he was back. I had finally started pulling myself and my kids together (my daughter is STILL in counseling) from the disaster that his sudden abandonment left us in and here he comes waltzing back in.He was so sorry, he had screwed up, I was all he wanted and he loved me more than he could ever understand. He allowed me to install spyware on his phone and computer and slowly, painfully we started working things out.<br />
Fast forward 6 months. We're still living apart because he has a lease that's not up yet and there's no way he's coming back in my house without some serious counseling under his belt. I have a trip to the ER with my eldest and text him when we finally go home 8 hours later. Late in the morning I still have no reply. I start to wonder if he ever even received the text, our service is sometimes spotty, so I take the easy route and check through the spyware.<br />
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I think you see where this is going....<br />
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Yep, for the last month he had been online picking up women. Finding the most desperate women he could to talk them into webcam sex and sending truly awful nude photos. The things he asked of some of these women are...you don't wanna know. Hell I don't wanna know and it's just stuck in my head forever at this point. He has been flirting with women in other towns so he can schedule hook ups when he travels for work. The job we work TOGETHER. Embarrassing doesn't even begin to cover it.<br />
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So I'm trying desperately to avoid him. He's already signed divorce paperwork so now it's just a matter of trying to save the money to file. He was sad for about a day that he had "lost his best friend" and now he's happily trying to get in the pants of DOZENS of other women. Watching him in action is just about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and to say that I've been mind-fucked would be a gross understatement.<br />
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Okay, that's it. I just don't have it in me for anymore of this tonight. Slowly but surely I hope to get through this, but my life has been such a nightmare over the last year and a half that I really don't know how long it will take...<br />
Prayers are graciously accepted.Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-42956986149275105232014-05-19T10:19:00.000-07:002014-05-19T10:19:04.494-07:00It's been a yearAnd what a year...<br />
Sometimes, when things in life start to unravel, you don't notice the frayed edges and errant strings until it's too late. Then you're just standing in a pile of tangled, twisted string trying to figure out how to put it back together. The blank screen before you, with all the empty space just waiting to be filled, feels like an enemy in those moments. If I start to share the cracks weaken further, the dam breaks, it all becomes real. And real is something you can't allow. <br />
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My husband, a man I love very much and who I had committed to spend my life with, had demons. We all do in one form or another, but some people have demons that take over their hearts and their minds and their lives so completely that in the end all you have is a heap of ash where your life once stood. Sometimes people end up in a hole so dark and so deep that the will to scramble out eventually relents to the urge to just roll over and embrace the ugly solitude.<br />
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When the first glimmer of a problem became apparent, I stood firm. Laid down some ground rules, started looking for programs and resources to help. When it emerged again and again, I found a counselor who was willing to take on the challenge and made sure we kept regular appointments. I gave him space and allowed him room to sort through things. Finally, the last straw dropped. I told him to pack his things and go, because my self respect was too great to allow such treatment, even unconditional love has limits.<br />
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Then I died inside.<br />
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I never thought hurt could be like this. So all encompassing. Every nerve in your body screams with pain, and eventually it all goes numb. Emotional trauma became physical. I lost so much weight that my clothes began to fall from my frame. I was physically unable to eat, even the smell of food made me nauseous. I had to prepare my children's lunch next to the kitchen sink so I could vomit. I didn't sleep, then I slept too much. I avoided everyone and everything, with the exception of one friend who would get calls and texts from me at all hours, sometimes quite lucid and other times raving and incoherent, raging in circles demanding answers like a rabid dog chasing its tail.<br />
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And the rage, oh the rage... I had never before felt such complete, white hot, life altering disdain for another person. I was overwhelmed by my anger and by the betrayal that had been enacted upon me and my children. More than once I slid into my husband's cubicle at work and spit seething whispers of anger into his ear while he sat, unmoving, never looking me in the eye. In those moments I lost myself, became someone I didn't recognize. All the work I have put into being a respectful, honorable, loving person would disappear in an instant and I turned into small pale version of the Incredible Hulk. Instead of using my fists to smash rock I was using my words and rage to emotionally decimate another person, or trying to anyhow.<br />
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To him, we were irrelevant. He maintained through it all that he loves me and it wasn't about me and I didn't do anything wrong and he's just not made to be selfless and he's not cut out for marriage. My tears and pain made him angry. He had moved on, why couldn't I? I searched for, and found, specifics on his repeated betrayals that left me more twisted and shattered. And still he ignored it, moving on with his life, seeking out all the things that he knew would make him happy.<br />
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I returned to our counselor, now mine alone. I forced myself to talk to new people, even though all I wanted to do was hide. I started trying to turn off the questions and the pain and stop the downward spiral of anger, hate, and despair that I was allowing to control me. Sometimes I had a day where I could smile, and even if it was fake it was a start at trying to move on so it counted for something.<br />
I learned a lot. I have learned so much about other people's capabilities and our
expectations of them. Judging someone by OUR criteria sets them up to
fail. If you judge someone's love for you by the way you want them to act, you'll just guarantee both of you walk away disappointed. I identified my center and started moving back to that place. I accepted that it really WASN'T about me. I realized that I am phenomenal. No, really. People I met were blown away by me, admiring things I just couldn't see within myself. After the millionth person says the same thing you kind of have to step back and reassess.<br />
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At some point I started to pack away my sorrow and my anger and move my life forward. Good days weren't as far apart as they had been before and bad days were mostly manageable, even if they were still jagged around the edges and felt an awful lot like recovery from the flu. I accepted that I would be doing this on my own again and I started to make it work. Not perfect, but the train wreck was being cleaned up a little at a time. Sometimes, in spite of that angry sucking wound in my chest, I took a breath that didn't hurt. Sometimes I laughed. And sometimes, where I least expected it, I found love in the world.<br />
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<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-40049508808114303062013-03-30T12:32:00.002-07:002013-03-30T12:35:21.482-07:00So there's that...Wow, so much has happened since January, holy cow. <br />
At the end of January I flew across the country to spend 3 weeks in Washington DC. I've been sort of assisting with this new program for the last two years, and it finally got the green light to branch out to other airports. Then the process was handicapped by the Collective Bargaining Agreement put in place by our new union (don't get me started on how much I disagree with this completely useless and counterproductive union) and this little thing you may have heard of called sequestration. All those hoops have pushed the official roll date back almost a year, but at least we got it into one more airport before things really got difficult. It was exhausting but rewarding.<br />
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3 weeks is a long time away from home btw. Good news is though...I got to see Tracy! I wasn't too far from her house and so we spent plenty of time hanging out together. It's hard to believe I hadn't seen her in 8 months, we haven't been apart that long since we met! It was beyond amazeballs.<br />
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When I came back I found out that while I was gone my mail was stolen and someone tried to cash a convenience check on a credit account. Ha, joke's on them, I have no available credit! 3 days later I was pickpocketed on the bus home and someone stole my phone, or as I often refer to it "The precious". I spent about a week believing that absolutely every person in the world is awful and hateful. I got over it.<br />
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So then I came back here and went crazy for about a month and then I got married.<br />
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Yeah, there are some people who might say this was a little soon. Those people don't really know me or him or the situation, so I don't care. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be in good, nay, fantastic, place now I would never have believed you, it seemed impossible. Even the skeptics in my life cannot maintain their stance once they've met him and seen us together. A dear, long time friend who was in attendance at the wedding said it was a real treat to finally see me happy. I was surprised and said that I wasn't aware I seemed unhappy before. A thoughtful look crossed her face and she said "Yeah, I wasn't either...but seeing what joy looks like on you really highlights the difference". There was SO MUCH love that day, not just in us and our deliciously geeky ceremony, but from the kids and our friends and the family members that could make it and the people who came that might as well be family. Heather flew in from San Antonio just to be there, and Tracy came from Virginia, not a short trip. Some people even drove 5 hours to be there and then turned around and drove 5 hours home afterward. I know really truly amazing people. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm not complaing that's for sure.<br />
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There was bad stuff too, I'm not going to lie. My new husband's ex-wife decided a couple of days before the wedding that she wouldn't allow his children to attend, even though clothing was purchased and plans had been made months in advance. Then the night before the wedding she emailed him to say she plans to move far far out of state and take the kids with her (and she wants him to finance it, but that's a different story). The venue also texted at 10 pm the night before to tell us they'd accidentally broken 4 of our 6 centerpiece vases. Ultimately we made the decision to just take a breath, not sweat the unimportant stuff, and deal with the big issues starting the day AFTER the wedding. I've really had to learn about identifying the things I can change and the things I can't, because getting frazzled over things I can't change has been an extremely fruitless endeavor . I'm still working on not worrying or stressing over things I can't can't change, but let's take it one step at a time...Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-42418611528475714112013-01-11T14:22:00.003-08:002013-01-11T14:22:46.167-08:00Hello, my name is...Chopped Liver.<br />
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I just found out that I'm being sent to DC for work for 3 whole weeks. Actually they asked for 4 weeks, but there's no way I could be away from my kids for so long. 3 weeks away from my life is going to be rough in itself. At least I'll have constant work to keep me busy during the day and too exhausted at night to feel lonely.<br />
Anyhow, I was telling the kids I have to leave for work and their grandma is coming to stay with them. All they had to say when I told them was "Is Picklejar still going to come over for dinner while you're gone? We'd miss him if he didn't come over for 3 weeks".<br />
Can you believe that?!<br />
I was fixin to bust out the mom speech. You know, the one that starts "I carried you IN MY WOMB for 9 months..." but then I realized that it's actually a good thing they aren't entirely fixated on me and totally dependent upon me to make decisions anymore. For a long time after the split I couldn't hardly leave the room without one of them freaking out, so a little breathing room feels a lot more healthy.<br />
A delightful side effect of work in DC...TRACY!! I cannot tell you how excited I am to see her and the red headed terrorists again, it feels like it's been forever. There are some other friends in the area I want to say hello to, but I plan to hop on the Metro every night after work and head to her house. And weekends are going to be crazeballs! I have it on good authority that we will even get a chance to go do something WITHOUT KIDS while I'm there! The excitement, it's too much, I need to sit down for a minute... <br />
I've been working on a new training program for the government entity that employs me for almost 2 years now. Finally it has moved on to the next stage and we're introducing it at another airport. This airport is right by Headquarters, so our training classes are going to be closely monitored by big wigs and mucky mucks waaaaay up the food chain from me. The course itself is super involved to lead, 5 straight days of grinding, but with "super important people" watching our every move it will be even more intense. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally now, but I guess there's no telling how it will really go until I get there. All in all, just knowing that I finally get to see this program take off is indescribable. This is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever undertaken where work is concerned, and it's definitely the most rewarding. Just a couple more weeks...Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-67635084122399117482013-01-06T23:33:00.000-08:002013-01-06T23:33:13.260-08:00Well color me shockedMy middle kid (Thing 2) got baptized this last weekend. Hard to believe that a year ago I had a kid who felt like he wanted to die because his world was falling apart. I'm not kidding, he once tried to run out in traffic. But now, especially since he decided he's thrilled to have a stepdad in his future, he's returned to my happy, calm, exceptionally aware kid. You could feel the spirit and belief in the room when he made the choice to be baptized. His dad couldn't be there but he decided to have both grandfathers be a part of his special day. My dad baptized him, which was kind of a big deal since my dad wasn't a member when I was baptized, and my ex's father confirmed him. It was really, truly awesome to have them both be a part of his day.<br />
The reeeeeeeally awkward part came from Thing 2 wanting my future dh (I shall hereafter call him Picklejar) to be at his special day too. Oh yeah, let's just get my formers in the same room as my future and all just spend a few hours hanging out together. Yikes. It's pretty messed up when my crazy parents and the Sister missionaries are Picklejar's comfort zone. My ex hasn't as yet discussed my impending nuptials with his family, so we pretty much just tried to avoid that side of the room so that we wouldn't ruin my son's big day. It almost worked too...<br />
I swear, I only stepped out of the room for, like, 5 minutes. Somehow, in that short time, my former mother-in-law searched out Picklejar and introduced herself. As soon as he said his name she replied, "Oh yes, Thing 1 has mentioned you before". Bum bum bummmmm. Poor Picklejar, awkwarrrrrd.<br />
Other than that, it all went beautifully, but, ya know, that was a pretty big thing.<br />
Anyhow, later the former's left but my former brother and sister-in-law and the cousins were still there. I pulled my sister-in-law aside and filled her in and she even said they'd come to the wedding. And then she said something that really hit home...<br />
My sister-in-law mentioned that a couple of years ago, at a family campout, all she could feel was a dark cloud around me. Now, she said, she feels a calm glow around me and the kids, and she can tell Picklejar is a good guy.She claims that she is honestly happy for all of us and wishes us the best. This was really the last thing I expected to be honest.<br />
The bishop and the RS president both talked it out with me, and they feel good about where I'm going. The Sister missionaries frakkin love the guy and are happy for our family. Finally, we are almost at the beginning of our life together and everything seems to be coming together.<br />
In the next installment of "As My World Rotates", the experience of breaking the news to coworkers, which was delightfully evil and fun..... Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-71634880141252945252012-12-29T09:41:00.003-08:002012-12-29T09:41:40.738-08:003 months?That's not so bad, right?<br />
So much stuff flying through my head, so I'm just going to get some of it down now and worry about the rest later...<br />
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I signed both boys up for soccer. During the school year. Right at the end of September if you're keeping track of when my posts stopped. If you've ever done this before then you know exactly where this went sideways, but if you haven't then please allow me to explain...<br />
After work every day I had just enough time to change clothes, pick up the kids, and drive to the other side of ton during rush hour for soccer practice. Usually we were a bit late. Luckily, the boys had staggered days of practice, so I only had to do this 4 days a week. Homework and dinner took a serious turn for the worse during this time. Then, the Boys and Girls Club neglected to mention that they had decided to give the kids double headers every Saturday so that they'd get more games. Suddenly I had two different boys to get to two different locations at 4 different times on Saturday morning! I spent more time running between games checking on kids than I did actually WATCHING them play. After 2 weeks my boyfriend started shuttling one kid and I took the other and we switched off the next weekend , etc so I got to see each kids' games every other week, which was distinctly better than the previous system. Thank goodness that ended. Two months of pure torment. Suffice to say I have learned my lesson and won't be doing that again any time soon.<br />
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The ex has taken to calling the kids every two or three weeks. Usually this leads to another bout of toileting problems with my 5 year old and it's just a ton of fun. I understand that he's at a training academy and is quite busy studying, but if you have time to drive to Orlando for an NBA game or to go to Universal Studios, then you can certainly find time to pick up a frakkin phone. I never in a million years thought this was the kind of father he'd be if we split. It's hard to believe this is the guy who said he wanted the kids full time. After we split, he didn't contact the kids for almost 3 months. He used to tell me he didn't have the time or money to drive from his parent's to see them. Then I found out he was driving PAST our house to go see his secret girlfriend and, well, my sympathy for his situation became much harder to find.<br />
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I've been emotionally involved with someone for a while now. We were attracted to each other while I was still married, and I was honest with my ex about it. When we split I began spending more time with this person, but I was as respectful as possible towards my ex about it. I kept things firmly in the friend zone, and we spent time with the kids to help keep us honest. Then I found out one day that while I was taking care of my ex's budget and making sure his bills got paid and doing all necessary paperwork for him, he was sleeping with a female soldier from his unit. I had been ripping myself to shreds and allowing him to tell me how horrible I was when the whole time he was using that carefully budgeted money to buy Mother's Day flowers and other goodies for his girlfriend. Oh hell no.<br />
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It took almost 6 months for him to agree to sign divorce paperwork. Hey, why get divorced when you have a girlfriend for fun and a wife to take care of your responsibilities? It took another 6 months for everything to be finalized. Because he decided to change jobs right before our final paperwork was submitted I had to make changes in a mad rush and missed some things, so the judge sent it back for us to change and sign. Ex, of course, is in Georgia for work and I once again had to wait on him for everything to be submitted and mailed. Still, I have kept my mouth shut and preserved his reputation with his family and willingly been cast aside by certain members of his family. It serves no purpose to reveal his treatment of me, other than making me feel good for a little while.<br />
<br />
The reason I share this is because in June, when I found out about the girlfriend, I moved my friend out of the friend zone. He has been joining our family for dinner almost every night, we have had several family activities with his children, and he has become a regular part of my kids' lives, filling their need for a steady male influence. When I had to work Christmas Eve day he took the day off to watch the kids for me. While I was at work he sat the kids down for a little talk. He explained to the kids that he loves me very much, and that as he's spent time with all of us he has come to love them very much as well. He told them he wants to be a part of our family, and then he asked them if it was okay to ask me to marry him. Apparently they all responded in the affirmative, because that night, after everyone had opened their Christmas Eve pajamas, he asked if I would marry him. I looked to the kids and asked their thoughts, and there was an enthusiastic "YES" from the ranks. <br />
<br />
We're planning to get married just a few months from now. Since we both had Justice of the Peace weddings the first time around we want to have a real celebration of the joy we've found. I'm finally being accepted for me, not in spite of me. I'm in an honest and respectful relationship, where disagreement isn't a failing on my part, just a difference of opinion. I'm with someone who will voluntarily start cleaning my house, just because it needs to be done. It's a partnership, and we both give as much as we take. When I need to lean on him for strength while I cry, I do. And when he needs to lean on me when life gets hard to handle, he does. It's a perfect type of balance that I thought was made up, there was no possible way it could exist...until it suddenly did. This honest commitment to someone as an equal is what love is about. After so many years of being told I'm nuts for hoping for more from my relationship, I've finally out I'm not crazy, there really is something more out there. I'm reminded of when our marriage counselor pulled me aside to tell me "He's never going to get it, he doesn't even<i> want</i> to understand what you're saying. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you still here"? It took almost a year to understand what she meant, but now I get it...<br />
<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-51842104317965352622012-09-22T22:33:00.001-07:002012-09-22T22:33:31.558-07:00Time to exhale You know, every time I think I have found my bearings, some new emotion creeps to the surface that I am unprepared for. I have worked through the majority of the anger phase, though it crept in here and there for far longer than I thought it would. A great deal of my time lately is spent feeling a sort of pity for someone who has destroyed their relationship with others and who is still completely clueless as to how any of it could possibly even the slightest bit their fault. I generally experience short but extremely intense bouts of worry and fear, but I think that's too be expected given the situation. Some mild loneliness slithers through from time to time, exceedingly rare though.<br />
It's like looking back on the you of a decade ago and all you thought you knew. You realize how much you've learned and grown and have to give a chuckle at just how developed you believed yourself to be at the time. As happens with most major life events, I can chart these changes over a matter of months rather than decades. Hard to believe that only a year ago things started to unravel rapidly. Hard to believe I was such a hollow, beaten woman then. Harder still to believe that the majority of my emotional battery came from within, the punishment I administered to myself in response to perceived failures and the criticisms of other.<br />
For the most part, I am beyond that. Light years beyond actually, and any moments of self-flagellation are nothing but ghosts of days long passed. I think these shades are familiar and comfortable in their own weird way, but as soon as I try to wrap them around me my better sense kicks in and hurries them away towards an eventual final departure.<br />
I have long roads yet to travel. Really, look at all the life left before me. I have managed to kick my leg over the top of that wall after a long dirty struggle upwards, I pulled myself over the edge, dropped back to earth, and I'm moving on towards the horizon. Sometimes I find myself at mile markers I hadn't realized were in front of me, and they give me pause long enough to turn around and see that me that was standing in front of that wall a year ago.<br />
Today, after a not disastrous trip to the fair (your shock mirrors mine), I was mowing my incredibly shaggy lawn. My friend was visiting, and my children were surveying the plum tree in the side yard. I took a short break from my much needed workout (fair food, seriously, tons of it went in my belly today) and looked to where my children played. There, mostly hidden by the branches of the tree, stood my friend. He was lifting a bowl towards my boys, perched in the tree, collecting the plums as they plucked them from the branches. My daughter stood at his side, pulling plums of her own from the lower branches she could reach. The breeze brought me bits of their chatter and laughter flowed freely.<br />
Suddenly I realized I had let out the breath I wasn't aware I was holding. We'll be okay. Maybe not right now, and I'm sure there's tough stuff yet to come, but we'll be okay. I can still preserve my children's happiness and security, I can still make sure they know they are loved and safe. Life goes on. I am not the woman I was a year ago. And for that I am thankful...she'd have never made it through all thisMohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-85709420332928539322012-09-07T21:27:00.001-07:002012-09-07T21:27:05.086-07:00ClearlyI had a rough few days with the X.<br />
I just want to strangle the people who say divorce is an easy out for people who don't want to do the work of being married. Divorce is hard. Always.<br />
It's hard and it's painful in a way I could never begin to describe. Even knowing it was the right choice I believe that I will always hate myself a little for making the decision. I have moved on but still carry the scars that come from doing hard things and enduring the struggles.<br />
<br />
I have to be honest for a minute... If you are moving to a far off place where you are guaranteed to not see your kids for at LEAST 6 months, and I have to beg you, beg, to say goodbye to your kids in person rather than over the phone, I seriously wonder what type of person you are. I cannot fathom NOT doing everything in my power to see my children every possible moment I could before I left, even if it meant long drives and sleepless nights. I just don't get it...Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-17639776083812544682012-09-03T00:58:00.002-07:002012-09-03T00:58:37.323-07:00RealizationKnowing that someone is selfish and cruel and that it's still the right thing to protect their relationship with their family and children even if you end up being shunned is one thing. Actually being on the receiving end of the shunning while they have a hunky dory life is another thing entirely.Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-4400125803826546452012-08-28T22:07:00.001-07:002012-08-28T22:07:19.276-07:00Frankly, I'm terrifiedThe Con was an amazing success. The week flew by and I honestly can't imagine that Heathen and I have ever had more fun. Her husband is trying to get stationed near here and I hope beyond hope that it will happen because I miss her like crazy. Sometimes we even freak ourselves out with how similar our minds work. By similar I mean EXACTLY THE SAME.<br />
<br />
Ex got a new job. It pays way less than his old one and will take him to the middle of nowhere. I hope he truly enjoys his new career path. That's all I'm going to say about that.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, he's going to announce his move on facebook soon, so to head off some of the uncomfortable questions I sent a private message to about 50 people announcing that we separated in January and have since dissolved our marriage. Now I'm sitting here waiting for the backlash.<br />
<br />
I think I just may get slaughtered in the court of public opinion on this one. The woman usually does, especially if she's the one who files. Yes, I "quit", I "gave up", I was "selfish". I know what people say, I'm just hoping I've braced myself well enough for it...Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-1826290146263870292012-08-07T21:43:00.001-07:002012-08-28T22:08:22.281-07:00Con feverNot to be confused with Con Flu...<br />
<br />
For those of you not in the know, Con Flu is the creeping cruds you get after spending an entire weekend amongst the, generally unwashed, masses at a comic convention, or Comic Con. That sour musky smell you detect when entering a con is referred to as Con Funk and is a mixture of desperation, obliviousness, and a complete inability to grasp social convention.<br />
For those who knew me "before" you may recall that last year we went to the first female centric Comic Con, Geek Girl Con. "We" being my bestie Heathen and I. Are you keeping up here? Anyhow, there are a lot of things that are wacky in the real world which are perfectly normal in the Con world. Like walking around in a costume all frakkin weekend in the middle of an average to large size city where only a small portion of other homo sapiens are doing the same. This is called cosplay. (San Diego Comic Con doesn't count for this example, since pretty much the whole city is overrun by geeks and nerds for Comic Con and everyone looks like a crazy person) Moving on...<br />
Costumes run from cardboard to professional, well known characters and pop culture references to the obscure. Another phenomenon is crossplay, where someone dresses up as a character of the opposite gender. Heathen and I have created our own version of crossplay, where we take male characters and sort of craft them into feminine versions of the same persona. I have spent hours pouring over con pics and there aren't a ton of other people doing this yet, so it's exciting to see how it develops in the years to come. Maybe it will become a phenomenon of its own, with a catchy moniker and everything. Last year we were characters from "<a href="http://drhorrible.com/">Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog</a>", a delightful Joss Whedon number that we both love, and this year we are going to be characters from "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_%28TV_series%29">Firefly</a>", another Joss Whedon (read: GENIUS) franchise that we are total fangirls for.<br />
The con sold out last year, which was quite the feat for a first year, niche audience con. We had a thoroughly lovely time and I am all too stoked to see it in action in a larger space this year. It's super awesome to be surrounded with ladies of my ilk and especially to spend time with the best bestie the universe has to offer, Heathen.<br />
So hopefully I will update with pics from our shenaniganizing and you will love them. But we'll have a good time even if I don't post pics, so there's that...<br />
<br />
Life goes on. Divorce is expensive btw, even if you file together and agree on everything. My state has a 90 day waiting period before they finalize so I'm basically sitting that out now. If I had filed on my own and we had gone through the whole court ordeal I could have been done by now, but I think it was worth the wait to make sure we both felt like we had a fair shake in the final agreement. It has been almost 8 months of separation and things have mostly evened out. Ex is harboring some sort of unrealistic hope that I will change my mind and come running back with open arms, but that is SO not happening. Even my mother noted that I sound much happier when I spoke with her a few days ago, and though this is hard in ways I couldn't begin to describe, I feel that I am finally closer to being a complete functioning healthy person than I was previously. I like myself again, I feel good enough again, and frankly, that is worth more than I could ever convey in words.<br />
<br />
I've met someone. Not really met, as it's a coworker I knew before, but I am getting to know them on a more personal level than before. His kid and my kids have hung out together and my kids seem to like him a lot, so that's a plus. A lot of my opinion of you as a person is based on how you treat my kids, so this bodes well. He even came over and mowed my lawn while I was running errands last week, just to make my life a little easier, I'm not really sure what to say about that. It's an extremely scary place to be, a whole new world one might say. It's nice to know, though, that it doesn't really matter what happens here because I'm happy on my own and don't need someone else to make me complete. That's a very liberating realization.<br />
<br />
Have you ever noticed how things can seem so complicated but so simple at the same time? Just asking...<br />
<br />
(I would like to note that Blogger has tried to spell check every single geek related term in this post. Get with the times Blogger, Whedon ain't going anywhere)Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-16296541788325776982012-07-02T18:07:00.001-07:002012-12-29T09:44:38.919-08:00Time warpHow long has it been since my last post? Two weeks? Three? It seems like a lifetime ago to be honest. I don't think there are words to explain the tornado of emotion in my life, and even if there was I don't know that it's possible to untangle everything and identify individual, specific feelings.<br />
<br />
I feel a certain sense of relief. Knowing that I'm moving forward, letting go of some heavy, rusty chains that have been holding me down for a while. I don't mean to say my marriage was holding me down, just that there was some baggage, personal and otherwise. I came to believe certain things about myself that couldn't be more false, and I let someone else determine my worth. Nobody can have a healthy relationship with that kind of dynamic.<br />
<br />
I've been trying not to talk about my ex all the time. It makes me feel like he still has ownership of my life and I'm torn between venting and allowing him the free rent in my head. I can talk about devastation and sadness and self respect and growth and sorrow and confusion and liberation and all those other things without mentioning him. It's not all about him. It's about me. It's about standing up, brushing yourself off, steadying your quivering bottom lip and deciding to take a step. And another step. And another.<br />
<br />
Wake up. Breathe in. Breathe out. Make it to the end of the day. Lather, rinse, repeat. <br />
<br />
There are things I know to be true now, unequivocally. I know that if someone tells you repeatedly all the things that make you a terrible parent, friend and spouse, and then says they want you in their life...one of those things isn't true (and chances are you already knew that). I know that eventually you have to realize that all the "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" in the world doesn't heal wounds and you have only yourself to blame for choosing to believe it in the face of all logic and reason. I know that allowing someone to push your buttons and guilt you into doing what they want doesn't mean you're devoted, it means you refuse to be devoted to yourself. If someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, I refuse to be the extra slice waiting in the wings. If you're sticking your fork in another piece, I'm obviously not that important to you.<br />
<br />
Conversely, I've learned that good people sometimes do stupid things. It doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them people. I know that things not turning out like you planned doesn't make the Gospel any less true, it just makes you reassess what "true" and "eternal perspective" really mean. I have learned that reality will eventually sort out truths, the things that others try to say about you will eventually come out in the wash, and sometimes the best defense is to just shut your mouth and move on. I've learned that you have to fix yourself before you can try to fix someone else. I know that people who set strict rules for you that they can't even follow themselves aren't in a place to tell you who you are and what you're worth. When you realize what you're worth, don't let anyone talk you out of it. Life isn't black and white. If you think you've got it all figured out, you better buckle up because you are going to be thrown for a loop, probably sooner than you think and it'll probably be a doozy.<br />
<br />
I know that, in the end, we're all the same imperfect person. We may manifest it differently, but we're all going to make mistakes and fall. You will fail horribly at some point in your life. Most likely several points in your life. But there will always, ALWAYS, be people who love you, who want the best for you, and who will support you. Even if it's not exactly what you want, it may be exactly what you need...Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-39649020330518732712012-06-18T23:51:00.000-07:002012-06-19T17:12:38.049-07:00At least the weather was nice... So I actually had a few false start posts in the last few weeks. Nothing ever seemed to come to fruition though, obviously. Was it avoidance of reality or just a time crunch/brain freeze? Meh, your guess is as good as mine.<br />
Tracy's gone, or may as well be. I'm admitting it here, I almost didn't make the trek to Spokane to see her graduate. I had worked a long week teaching brand new classes under the scrutiny of HQ quality assessors, the house was shot, and life was a mess. Did I really have the energy and time to spend my two precious free days in the car? Like that thought could possibly last more than two seconds, of course I had the time and energy, this is frakkin Tracy we're talking about people!!<br />
<br />
I made it to Spokane safely with the munchkins and settled in at my pal Janet's house (that's my brain twin Heathen's mom for anyone following along). Saturday morning I awoke and hit the graduation, only to find out that I was the only person there for Tracy. Everyone else was either manning her yard sale or just too much of a poopyhead to come.Yes, I use the word poopyhead, I'm a mom, so sue me. I had to leave a little early due to unforeseen lady problems, and in the midst of my quick change to rush back to Tracy, my whole world crumbled.<br />
<br />
I've made no pretense here that my marriage isn't coming to an end. I'm so past the finger pointing and blaming, it is what it is. I'll be honest and admit that even after years of wrestling with myself and beating my head against a wall I wasn't sure if it was really done. I felt so damn guilty for thinking that I had to stand up and take my life back. The reasons behind a decision like that are far too complex to try and capture here, and frankly I don't owe any of you an explanation anyway, so I'm not even going to try.<br />
<br />
There are issues here that are too delicate to discuss. Choices were made that will impact our lives for a good long time. I don't have a way to gracefully say what came to light this weekend, so I just won't. I'm not throwing anyone under a bus and I'm not going to help someone who matters to me beat themselves to a pulp in public. So I will just say, shit happens. Guess what, we're human. Sometimes we do stupid things, and other people get hurt in the process. Fair or not, doesn't matter. I was left reeling. I'm not terribly adept at dealing with emotion, so trying to sort something coherent out of the tangled mess in my head was near on impossible. In addition to being there for Tracy, I was luckily in a position to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends at a time when I desperately needed them. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I could not have made it through this weekend with any semblance of self respect intact had I not had these ladies with me. They circled the wagons and kept me from saying or doing things I would regret. It has been a challenge at times to try and be a grown up in all this, but the weekend I just came through was about as close to Hell as I can imagine and tested that ability to its fullest.<br />
<br />
There have been a few long and tearful talks with the X this weekend, and despite the pain we have communicated better than we had in years.There's anger, sure, but there have also been long overdue apologies and some tentative steps towards smoothing old scars. I am almost ashamed to say that I told him I hope he is choking on some of the things he has said to me, and that I hope they hurt so he can understand how it felt to hear them. Note that I said "almost ashamed". Maybe it took this for him to realize what I've been trying to tell him for years. Or maybe I'm just petty and vindictive.<br />
<br />
On any account, he is trying to make things right. He stopped by to see the kids today and made plans for more time with them very soon. He apologized for telling me I was banned from functions with his family (his mother had already told me she didn't endorse that view, so I wasn't too worried) and even admitted that he was wrong and just said it out of anger. Those are big steps from him, believe me, after 14 years I know. It was refreshing for us to sit down and clear the air without being defensive or raising our voices.<br />
<br />
To me, it was all worth it. I wish I had known I would be run through the wringer, but even getting blind-sided can have good results now and then. I know this is over. I am at peace. I have spent years wondering if I simply wasn't good enough and wondering why the life that was supposed to be perfect just wasn't working for me. How could I be so wrong and so out of place when I was doing everything I was supposed to? What kind of screwed up specimen must I be to make it all go so horribly terribly awry? Finally I get the reassurance that this is right, that I really am headed in the right direction. There is a lot of healing and hard work in the future to make things work, I know that. But the clean slate started today. I am ready to move on.<br />
<br />
I don't have all the answers, and it won't be easy, but I can do this. I am stronger and taller and brighter and more sure than I have ever been.<br />
<br />
Tighten those shoes strings kiddos, because here we go.... <br />
<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-72197816155652879872012-06-04T19:59:00.001-07:002012-06-04T19:59:56.864-07:00I've been pounding on something frivolous for here recently. It's coming in fits and starts and I'm so overwhelmed with other stuff that it keeps getting pushed aside.<br />
But in the meantime, I have something to get off my chest...<br />
<br />
As I write this I am sitting at my new desk. The desk itself isn't new, in fact it's been pretty thoroughly loved in its lifetime, but it's new to me. With the help of a friend I hauled this huge, heavy, wooden monster from Spokane to Seattle, along with a happy green chair and some other knick-knacks. I alternately want to avoid this desk and curl up under it for a long, cozy nap. This desk is heavy with more than just the weight of the wood which created it...<br />
This is the desk where I met Tracy.<br />
So many years ago she sat at this desk in *her* house, soon to be three houses ago, with *her* computer and started to share her world with, well, the world. Not long after I came along online and we figured out we lived in close proximity and the rest, as they say, is history. <br />
Now I get to sit here everyday and absorb all the memories that have steeped into the swirling grain of this desktop over the years. And it's sad. And it's happy. And it's just...a lot.<br />
So, ya know, there's that...<br />
<br />Mohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09133265508934730092noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-55731781331622349302012-04-30T22:30:00.001-07:002012-04-30T22:30:46.785-07:00I won't lie to youthe last week has been ridiculous.<br />
A coworker came over to tune up the lawn mower a couple of weeks ago. They generously replaced the blade and the oil and then proceeded to cut my lawn, which takes about two hours. For their trouble I fed them lunch, they wouldn't accept anything more than that. Last week I mowed my lawn myself. At some point I hit...something...and bent both the brand new blade and the frame of the mower. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was that. Time to pull out a hammer and fix the mower, not a good feeling. Problem One: Solved<br />
<br />
The furnace in this delightfully old (and huge) rental house has been spastic at best since we moved in. Last week it finally gave up the ghost. I'm not really in a position to call the landlord about it since we're on a month to month lease and I'm about to tell him to remove the other person from the lease, which could very well prompt him to tell us to find a new place to live. It's very close to summer though, so I've been using the fireplace and some small space heaters wisely so we've been fine. Chilly Seattle days being what they are, sometimes it gets colder in here than you'd expect, but we manage. Problem Two: Handled<br />
<br />
But because the universe just can't handle a few weeks without some sort of chaos smacking me in the face... It was only after the 30 minute drive to the zoo and the finagling of a parking spot on Saturday that my power steering crapped out. And by crapped out I mean exploded. The kids and I walked through the zoo anyway, we were meeting a friend and I'm not letting a stupid car ruin our fun when I have a membership for goodness sake, and then we tackled the conundrum of how I was supposed to handle my huge ass SUV without any power steering. Now, I recently heard power steering referred to as a "nicety", but let me tell you, when you have to navigate a parking garage twice a day just to go to work, you suddenly begin to appreciate the ability to actually TURN YOUR CAR before you HIT SOMETHING. So I skipped church to find one of the few auto repair shops in our town that is open on Sunday. Found a shop all right. Walked around and rode the bus with my kids for 8 HOURS. Finally settled back into the waiting area at the shop when the tool they were using to replace my power steering pump broke off IN THE PUMP. By this point it was too late for either a replacement part or a rental car, so I had to bum a ride home from a nearby coworker and figure it out from there. I would like to tell you that this sort of craziness is rare, but I'm pretty much hexed and this sort of thing happens around me all the time. Thankfully the part was successfully repaired today, with a free oil change and a hearty discount to sweeten the delay a bit. Problem Three: Handled, no wait scratch that, okay handled again. <br />
<br />
The kids flooded the bathroom. Nobody is really sure how, or if they know they aren't squealing, but I am sincerely impressed that they could get that amount of water out of a standard toilet. Laundry is my nemesis, and will continue to be since it took every towel in the house to sop up that mess. Problem Four: Gross, but handled.<br />
<br />
My (I don't know what to call him. Ex? Estranged spouse? What?) finally came by to see the kids just before he left town for a while, so that really improved their moods. My oldest son, who is an Autism Spectrum kid btw, has been doing rather well lately. I am finally happy with myself again, and that is a priceless feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything.<br />
<br />
In a few weeks I'll probably look back at this random series of events and laugh. But first I'll have to find out where that leak is coming from in the washing machine... <br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-72811134469275570552012-04-14T19:54:00.003-07:002012-04-14T20:30:29.167-07:00Okay, a couple of points here1) If you tell someone that you love them and respect then and appreciate having them in your life and want them back, following it up with "You don't deserve any of my retirement because you didn't work for it, I did" is not really the best way to make them believe you. Especially when they have worked their rear end off for 14 years to keep your home and bills and kids and responsibilities on order so you could go do whatever your job required of you. I'm an Army wife, you're lucky you didn't get knocked on your ass for that one.<br /><br />2)If you do happen to find yourself in the position for your marriage to be ending, and your wifely person is doing their level best to keep things fair and not totally rake you over the coals, even though they could, and being nice enough to walk you through the paperwork and not take the lawyer route, even though they could, it's probably not the best idea to throw at them the aforementioned sentence. Such belittling comments don't do much to make them feel like any magnanimous gestures on their part are of any worth. I could be awarded far more than I believe is fair if we took this in front of a judge, I don't want that to happen. I am trying to preserve quality of life for everyone involved, and I don't have to do that. Don't be an ungrateful ass and make me regret trying to be decent.<br /><br />And that, my friends, is the nice version...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-49669964843178062752012-04-10T18:17:00.004-07:002012-04-10T18:45:44.737-07:00Any day nowBeen a busy couple of months. I went to OKC for work, then I came back, then I went to DC for work, then I came back. It's awfully hard to travel for work when you have 3 kids and no support network. Since dh and I are separated he has no desire to watch the kids so I can work morning shifts or take work trips. He feels that's something a spouse does and I don't want to be his spouse so why should he help? I'm not going to pick apart that logic, I know it's because he's hurt and, well, it is what it is. To his credit he did watch the kids for my DC trip and he stepped up when I had a last minute schedule change this week. Just asking him makes me feel awful though, since I know how much he hates it. The program I'm running goes national in June, and I'm supposed to fly to OKC again to start teaching the workforce. I'm hoping to find a way to take the kids with me, that would be a treat for everyone I think.<br /> January was when dh moved out and that part was pretty rough. I never thought it would fail, I would fail. And just because it wasn't working doesn't mean it was an easy decision. I tore myself apart for years over this, and though I know this was the right thing, the realization that I'm about to be a single mom who crushed someone's world is a heavy burden. That's a lot of stuff coming from a lot of directions.<br /> Right now it's just about slowly separating our finances and interests and trying to simply survive. My world is crumbling at the edges. I can't keep up with chores and errands, I have an outpatient procedure coming up, divorce paperwork is very confusing, my middle boy is taking his father's absence very hard, and oh so much more. Every day is work, from dawn to dusk. Get up, get things done, go to bed. Get up the next day and do it again. There have been some rays of light that feel like warm tender mercies, like the chance to go to the local Comicon and a coworker coming over to tune up the lawnmower and do some yard work. A family from church took the kids for a couple hours one day, and another friend has proposed a babysitting swap so I can get some down time now and then.<br /> I'm still here though, still kicking and scrambling, still reaching for that joy God wants for us all. I have a strange sense of peace amid the chaos, moments of calm in the storm. I know I'm going to start figuring it out soon, pulling together all those loose ends and moving forward.<br />I'm counting on it, any day now...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-71303564071194349552012-03-04T19:22:00.002-08:002012-03-04T19:43:31.836-08:00*whew*Today I did something I've been so scared of for a while, I told the bishop and the Relief Society president that my husband and I are separated.<br />I know, you're expecting judgement and hostility, right? Well I sure the hell was. I mean, family is kind of the penultimate within the Church yeah? I've been beating myself up for years with the expectations that have been set upon me as a wife and mother in the Church and my inability to make it work like it "should". So I was bracing for a scathing criticism of my failures and lectures about what I should have done.<br />Soooo, guess who was entirely wrong?<br />(That would be <span style="font-weight:bold;">me</span> for any bad guessers amongst us)<br />They were loving and understanding and I came away feeling like I just might come out of this okay. It'll be hard, and there's still plenty of painful road ahead, but I felt the wagons circle around me today and I know I'm not alone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2466501538012101118.post-88444201663423853682012-02-25T10:49:00.006-08:002012-02-25T11:36:00.148-08:00So this is the beginningA loooong story made very short...<br />I had a blog, once. It was my outlet, my vent, the release from all the thoughts and info bouncing around in my brain. I found love and support and I learned how to be comfortable in my own skin. I was brutally honest and wide open and, very often, wrong. But I learned about me and I learned about life and I just...I loved it. It was everything to me in the really hard times and the really joyful times, and it kept me sane.<br />But my spouse hated it.<br />My honesty and open nature has always been an irritant to him, and finally his irritation with my outlet was so great that I stopped. I gave up. I gave in.<br />The more my marriage crumbled, the more I needed the place and the people I loved. I would stare at a blank screen, yearning to write what was in my heart, and know he hated it. I knew the trouble it would cause and the stories, once all the really important stuff was filtered out for public consumption, were just bare sterile shells of an image someone else wanted to convey. So I didn't bother.<br />You'll find out more of the bits and pieces as time goes on, I'm sure. I was going to pick up where I left off, but instead I think I'll start fresh...<br />I'm a 30-something, I have 3 kids, I love my job, I am driven by passion and follow my heart entirely too much without thinking things through. And frankly, I like all that about me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1