So I actually had a few false start posts in the last few weeks. Nothing ever seemed to come to fruition though, obviously. Was it avoidance of reality or just a time crunch/brain freeze? Meh, your guess is as good as mine.
Tracy's gone, or may as well be. I'm admitting it here, I almost didn't make the trek to Spokane to see her graduate. I had worked a long week teaching brand new classes under the scrutiny of HQ quality assessors, the house was shot, and life was a mess. Did I really have the energy and time to spend my two precious free days in the car? Like that thought could possibly last more than two seconds, of course I had the time and energy, this is frakkin Tracy we're talking about people!!
I made it to Spokane safely with the munchkins and settled in at my pal Janet's house (that's my brain twin Heathen's mom for anyone following along). Saturday morning I awoke and hit the graduation, only to find out that I was the only person there for Tracy. Everyone else was either manning her yard sale or just too much of a poopyhead to come.Yes, I use the word poopyhead, I'm a mom, so sue me. I had to leave a little early due to unforeseen lady problems, and in the midst of my quick change to rush back to Tracy, my whole world crumbled.
I've made no pretense here that my marriage isn't coming to an end. I'm so past the finger pointing and blaming, it is what it is. I'll be honest and admit that even after years of wrestling with myself and beating my head against a wall I wasn't sure if it was really done. I felt so damn guilty for thinking that I had to stand up and take my life back. The reasons behind a decision like that are far too complex to try and capture here, and frankly I don't owe any of you an explanation anyway, so I'm not even going to try.
There are issues here that are too delicate to discuss. Choices were made that will impact our lives for a good long time. I don't have a way to gracefully say what came to light this weekend, so I just won't. I'm not throwing anyone under a bus and I'm not going to help someone who matters to me beat themselves to a pulp in public. So I will just say, shit happens. Guess what, we're human. Sometimes we do stupid things, and other people get hurt in the process. Fair or not, doesn't matter. I was left reeling. I'm not terribly adept at dealing with emotion, so trying to sort something coherent out of the tangled mess in my head was near on impossible. In addition to being there for Tracy, I was luckily in a position to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends at a time when I desperately needed them. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I could not have made it through this weekend with any semblance of self respect intact had I not had these ladies with me. They circled the wagons and kept me from saying or doing things I would regret. It has been a challenge at times to try and be a grown up in all this, but the weekend I just came through was about as close to Hell as I can imagine and tested that ability to its fullest.
There have been a few long and tearful talks with the X this weekend, and despite the pain we have communicated better than we had in years.There's anger, sure, but there have also been long overdue apologies and some tentative steps towards smoothing old scars. I am almost ashamed to say that I told him I hope he is choking on some of the things he has said to me, and that I hope they hurt so he can understand how it felt to hear them. Note that I said "almost ashamed". Maybe it took this for him to realize what I've been trying to tell him for years. Or maybe I'm just petty and vindictive.
On any account, he is trying to make things right. He stopped by to see the kids today and made plans for more time with them very soon. He apologized for telling me I was banned from functions with his family (his mother had already told me she didn't endorse that view, so I wasn't too worried) and even admitted that he was wrong and just said it out of anger. Those are big steps from him, believe me, after 14 years I know. It was refreshing for us to sit down and clear the air without being defensive or raising our voices.
To me, it was all worth it. I wish I had known I would be run through the wringer, but even getting blind-sided can have good results now and then. I know this is over. I am at peace. I have spent years wondering if I simply wasn't good enough and wondering why the life that was supposed to be perfect just wasn't working for me. How could I be so wrong and so out of place when I was doing everything I was supposed to? What kind of screwed up specimen must I be to make it all go so horribly terribly awry? Finally I get the reassurance that this is right, that I really am headed in the right direction. There is a lot of healing and hard work in the future to make things work, I know that. But the clean slate started today. I am ready to move on.
I don't have all the answers, and it won't be easy, but I can do this. I am stronger and taller and brighter and more sure than I have ever been.
Tighten those shoes strings kiddos, because here we go....
Monday, June 18, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
I've been pounding on something frivolous for here recently. It's coming in fits and starts and I'm so overwhelmed with other stuff that it keeps getting pushed aside.
But in the meantime, I have something to get off my chest...
As I write this I am sitting at my new desk. The desk itself isn't new, in fact it's been pretty thoroughly loved in its lifetime, but it's new to me. With the help of a friend I hauled this huge, heavy, wooden monster from Spokane to Seattle, along with a happy green chair and some other knick-knacks. I alternately want to avoid this desk and curl up under it for a long, cozy nap. This desk is heavy with more than just the weight of the wood which created it...
This is the desk where I met Tracy.
So many years ago she sat at this desk in *her* house, soon to be three houses ago, with *her* computer and started to share her world with, well, the world. Not long after I came along online and we figured out we lived in close proximity and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now I get to sit here everyday and absorb all the memories that have steeped into the swirling grain of this desktop over the years. And it's sad. And it's happy. And it's just...a lot.
So, ya know, there's that...
But in the meantime, I have something to get off my chest...
As I write this I am sitting at my new desk. The desk itself isn't new, in fact it's been pretty thoroughly loved in its lifetime, but it's new to me. With the help of a friend I hauled this huge, heavy, wooden monster from Spokane to Seattle, along with a happy green chair and some other knick-knacks. I alternately want to avoid this desk and curl up under it for a long, cozy nap. This desk is heavy with more than just the weight of the wood which created it...
This is the desk where I met Tracy.
So many years ago she sat at this desk in *her* house, soon to be three houses ago, with *her* computer and started to share her world with, well, the world. Not long after I came along online and we figured out we lived in close proximity and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now I get to sit here everyday and absorb all the memories that have steeped into the swirling grain of this desktop over the years. And it's sad. And it's happy. And it's just...a lot.
So, ya know, there's that...
Monday, April 30, 2012
I won't lie to you
the last week has been ridiculous.
A coworker came over to tune up the lawn mower a couple of weeks ago. They generously replaced the blade and the oil and then proceeded to cut my lawn, which takes about two hours. For their trouble I fed them lunch, they wouldn't accept anything more than that. Last week I mowed my lawn myself. At some point I hit...something...and bent both the brand new blade and the frame of the mower. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was that. Time to pull out a hammer and fix the mower, not a good feeling. Problem One: Solved
The furnace in this delightfully old (and huge) rental house has been spastic at best since we moved in. Last week it finally gave up the ghost. I'm not really in a position to call the landlord about it since we're on a month to month lease and I'm about to tell him to remove the other person from the lease, which could very well prompt him to tell us to find a new place to live. It's very close to summer though, so I've been using the fireplace and some small space heaters wisely so we've been fine. Chilly Seattle days being what they are, sometimes it gets colder in here than you'd expect, but we manage. Problem Two: Handled
But because the universe just can't handle a few weeks without some sort of chaos smacking me in the face... It was only after the 30 minute drive to the zoo and the finagling of a parking spot on Saturday that my power steering crapped out. And by crapped out I mean exploded. The kids and I walked through the zoo anyway, we were meeting a friend and I'm not letting a stupid car ruin our fun when I have a membership for goodness sake, and then we tackled the conundrum of how I was supposed to handle my huge ass SUV without any power steering. Now, I recently heard power steering referred to as a "nicety", but let me tell you, when you have to navigate a parking garage twice a day just to go to work, you suddenly begin to appreciate the ability to actually TURN YOUR CAR before you HIT SOMETHING. So I skipped church to find one of the few auto repair shops in our town that is open on Sunday. Found a shop all right. Walked around and rode the bus with my kids for 8 HOURS. Finally settled back into the waiting area at the shop when the tool they were using to replace my power steering pump broke off IN THE PUMP. By this point it was too late for either a replacement part or a rental car, so I had to bum a ride home from a nearby coworker and figure it out from there. I would like to tell you that this sort of craziness is rare, but I'm pretty much hexed and this sort of thing happens around me all the time. Thankfully the part was successfully repaired today, with a free oil change and a hearty discount to sweeten the delay a bit. Problem Three: Handled, no wait scratch that, okay handled again.
The kids flooded the bathroom. Nobody is really sure how, or if they know they aren't squealing, but I am sincerely impressed that they could get that amount of water out of a standard toilet. Laundry is my nemesis, and will continue to be since it took every towel in the house to sop up that mess. Problem Four: Gross, but handled.
My (I don't know what to call him. Ex? Estranged spouse? What?) finally came by to see the kids just before he left town for a while, so that really improved their moods. My oldest son, who is an Autism Spectrum kid btw, has been doing rather well lately. I am finally happy with myself again, and that is a priceless feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything.
In a few weeks I'll probably look back at this random series of events and laugh. But first I'll have to find out where that leak is coming from in the washing machine...
A coworker came over to tune up the lawn mower a couple of weeks ago. They generously replaced the blade and the oil and then proceeded to cut my lawn, which takes about two hours. For their trouble I fed them lunch, they wouldn't accept anything more than that. Last week I mowed my lawn myself. At some point I hit...something...and bent both the brand new blade and the frame of the mower. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was that. Time to pull out a hammer and fix the mower, not a good feeling. Problem One: Solved
The furnace in this delightfully old (and huge) rental house has been spastic at best since we moved in. Last week it finally gave up the ghost. I'm not really in a position to call the landlord about it since we're on a month to month lease and I'm about to tell him to remove the other person from the lease, which could very well prompt him to tell us to find a new place to live. It's very close to summer though, so I've been using the fireplace and some small space heaters wisely so we've been fine. Chilly Seattle days being what they are, sometimes it gets colder in here than you'd expect, but we manage. Problem Two: Handled
But because the universe just can't handle a few weeks without some sort of chaos smacking me in the face... It was only after the 30 minute drive to the zoo and the finagling of a parking spot on Saturday that my power steering crapped out. And by crapped out I mean exploded. The kids and I walked through the zoo anyway, we were meeting a friend and I'm not letting a stupid car ruin our fun when I have a membership for goodness sake, and then we tackled the conundrum of how I was supposed to handle my huge ass SUV without any power steering. Now, I recently heard power steering referred to as a "nicety", but let me tell you, when you have to navigate a parking garage twice a day just to go to work, you suddenly begin to appreciate the ability to actually TURN YOUR CAR before you HIT SOMETHING. So I skipped church to find one of the few auto repair shops in our town that is open on Sunday. Found a shop all right. Walked around and rode the bus with my kids for 8 HOURS. Finally settled back into the waiting area at the shop when the tool they were using to replace my power steering pump broke off IN THE PUMP. By this point it was too late for either a replacement part or a rental car, so I had to bum a ride home from a nearby coworker and figure it out from there. I would like to tell you that this sort of craziness is rare, but I'm pretty much hexed and this sort of thing happens around me all the time. Thankfully the part was successfully repaired today, with a free oil change and a hearty discount to sweeten the delay a bit. Problem Three: Handled, no wait scratch that, okay handled again.
The kids flooded the bathroom. Nobody is really sure how, or if they know they aren't squealing, but I am sincerely impressed that they could get that amount of water out of a standard toilet. Laundry is my nemesis, and will continue to be since it took every towel in the house to sop up that mess. Problem Four: Gross, but handled.
My (I don't know what to call him. Ex? Estranged spouse? What?) finally came by to see the kids just before he left town for a while, so that really improved their moods. My oldest son, who is an Autism Spectrum kid btw, has been doing rather well lately. I am finally happy with myself again, and that is a priceless feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything.
In a few weeks I'll probably look back at this random series of events and laugh. But first I'll have to find out where that leak is coming from in the washing machine...
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Okay, a couple of points here
1) If you tell someone that you love them and respect then and appreciate having them in your life and want them back, following it up with "You don't deserve any of my retirement because you didn't work for it, I did" is not really the best way to make them believe you. Especially when they have worked their rear end off for 14 years to keep your home and bills and kids and responsibilities on order so you could go do whatever your job required of you. I'm an Army wife, you're lucky you didn't get knocked on your ass for that one.
2)If you do happen to find yourself in the position for your marriage to be ending, and your wifely person is doing their level best to keep things fair and not totally rake you over the coals, even though they could, and being nice enough to walk you through the paperwork and not take the lawyer route, even though they could, it's probably not the best idea to throw at them the aforementioned sentence. Such belittling comments don't do much to make them feel like any magnanimous gestures on their part are of any worth. I could be awarded far more than I believe is fair if we took this in front of a judge, I don't want that to happen. I am trying to preserve quality of life for everyone involved, and I don't have to do that. Don't be an ungrateful ass and make me regret trying to be decent.
And that, my friends, is the nice version...
2)If you do happen to find yourself in the position for your marriage to be ending, and your wifely person is doing their level best to keep things fair and not totally rake you over the coals, even though they could, and being nice enough to walk you through the paperwork and not take the lawyer route, even though they could, it's probably not the best idea to throw at them the aforementioned sentence. Such belittling comments don't do much to make them feel like any magnanimous gestures on their part are of any worth. I could be awarded far more than I believe is fair if we took this in front of a judge, I don't want that to happen. I am trying to preserve quality of life for everyone involved, and I don't have to do that. Don't be an ungrateful ass and make me regret trying to be decent.
And that, my friends, is the nice version...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Any day now
Been a busy couple of months. I went to OKC for work, then I came back, then I went to DC for work, then I came back. It's awfully hard to travel for work when you have 3 kids and no support network. Since dh and I are separated he has no desire to watch the kids so I can work morning shifts or take work trips. He feels that's something a spouse does and I don't want to be his spouse so why should he help? I'm not going to pick apart that logic, I know it's because he's hurt and, well, it is what it is. To his credit he did watch the kids for my DC trip and he stepped up when I had a last minute schedule change this week. Just asking him makes me feel awful though, since I know how much he hates it. The program I'm running goes national in June, and I'm supposed to fly to OKC again to start teaching the workforce. I'm hoping to find a way to take the kids with me, that would be a treat for everyone I think.
January was when dh moved out and that part was pretty rough. I never thought it would fail, I would fail. And just because it wasn't working doesn't mean it was an easy decision. I tore myself apart for years over this, and though I know this was the right thing, the realization that I'm about to be a single mom who crushed someone's world is a heavy burden. That's a lot of stuff coming from a lot of directions.
Right now it's just about slowly separating our finances and interests and trying to simply survive. My world is crumbling at the edges. I can't keep up with chores and errands, I have an outpatient procedure coming up, divorce paperwork is very confusing, my middle boy is taking his father's absence very hard, and oh so much more. Every day is work, from dawn to dusk. Get up, get things done, go to bed. Get up the next day and do it again. There have been some rays of light that feel like warm tender mercies, like the chance to go to the local Comicon and a coworker coming over to tune up the lawnmower and do some yard work. A family from church took the kids for a couple hours one day, and another friend has proposed a babysitting swap so I can get some down time now and then.
I'm still here though, still kicking and scrambling, still reaching for that joy God wants for us all. I have a strange sense of peace amid the chaos, moments of calm in the storm. I know I'm going to start figuring it out soon, pulling together all those loose ends and moving forward.
I'm counting on it, any day now...
January was when dh moved out and that part was pretty rough. I never thought it would fail, I would fail. And just because it wasn't working doesn't mean it was an easy decision. I tore myself apart for years over this, and though I know this was the right thing, the realization that I'm about to be a single mom who crushed someone's world is a heavy burden. That's a lot of stuff coming from a lot of directions.
Right now it's just about slowly separating our finances and interests and trying to simply survive. My world is crumbling at the edges. I can't keep up with chores and errands, I have an outpatient procedure coming up, divorce paperwork is very confusing, my middle boy is taking his father's absence very hard, and oh so much more. Every day is work, from dawn to dusk. Get up, get things done, go to bed. Get up the next day and do it again. There have been some rays of light that feel like warm tender mercies, like the chance to go to the local Comicon and a coworker coming over to tune up the lawnmower and do some yard work. A family from church took the kids for a couple hours one day, and another friend has proposed a babysitting swap so I can get some down time now and then.
I'm still here though, still kicking and scrambling, still reaching for that joy God wants for us all. I have a strange sense of peace amid the chaos, moments of calm in the storm. I know I'm going to start figuring it out soon, pulling together all those loose ends and moving forward.
I'm counting on it, any day now...
Sunday, March 4, 2012
*whew*
Today I did something I've been so scared of for a while, I told the bishop and the Relief Society president that my husband and I are separated.
I know, you're expecting judgement and hostility, right? Well I sure the hell was. I mean, family is kind of the penultimate within the Church yeah? I've been beating myself up for years with the expectations that have been set upon me as a wife and mother in the Church and my inability to make it work like it "should". So I was bracing for a scathing criticism of my failures and lectures about what I should have done.
Soooo, guess who was entirely wrong?
(That would be me for any bad guessers amongst us)
They were loving and understanding and I came away feeling like I just might come out of this okay. It'll be hard, and there's still plenty of painful road ahead, but I felt the wagons circle around me today and I know I'm not alone.
I know, you're expecting judgement and hostility, right? Well I sure the hell was. I mean, family is kind of the penultimate within the Church yeah? I've been beating myself up for years with the expectations that have been set upon me as a wife and mother in the Church and my inability to make it work like it "should". So I was bracing for a scathing criticism of my failures and lectures about what I should have done.
Soooo, guess who was entirely wrong?
(That would be me for any bad guessers amongst us)
They were loving and understanding and I came away feeling like I just might come out of this okay. It'll be hard, and there's still plenty of painful road ahead, but I felt the wagons circle around me today and I know I'm not alone.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
So this is the beginning
A loooong story made very short...
I had a blog, once. It was my outlet, my vent, the release from all the thoughts and info bouncing around in my brain. I found love and support and I learned how to be comfortable in my own skin. I was brutally honest and wide open and, very often, wrong. But I learned about me and I learned about life and I just...I loved it. It was everything to me in the really hard times and the really joyful times, and it kept me sane.
But my spouse hated it.
My honesty and open nature has always been an irritant to him, and finally his irritation with my outlet was so great that I stopped. I gave up. I gave in.
The more my marriage crumbled, the more I needed the place and the people I loved. I would stare at a blank screen, yearning to write what was in my heart, and know he hated it. I knew the trouble it would cause and the stories, once all the really important stuff was filtered out for public consumption, were just bare sterile shells of an image someone else wanted to convey. So I didn't bother.
You'll find out more of the bits and pieces as time goes on, I'm sure. I was going to pick up where I left off, but instead I think I'll start fresh...
I'm a 30-something, I have 3 kids, I love my job, I am driven by passion and follow my heart entirely too much without thinking things through. And frankly, I like all that about me.
I had a blog, once. It was my outlet, my vent, the release from all the thoughts and info bouncing around in my brain. I found love and support and I learned how to be comfortable in my own skin. I was brutally honest and wide open and, very often, wrong. But I learned about me and I learned about life and I just...I loved it. It was everything to me in the really hard times and the really joyful times, and it kept me sane.
But my spouse hated it.
My honesty and open nature has always been an irritant to him, and finally his irritation with my outlet was so great that I stopped. I gave up. I gave in.
The more my marriage crumbled, the more I needed the place and the people I loved. I would stare at a blank screen, yearning to write what was in my heart, and know he hated it. I knew the trouble it would cause and the stories, once all the really important stuff was filtered out for public consumption, were just bare sterile shells of an image someone else wanted to convey. So I didn't bother.
You'll find out more of the bits and pieces as time goes on, I'm sure. I was going to pick up where I left off, but instead I think I'll start fresh...
I'm a 30-something, I have 3 kids, I love my job, I am driven by passion and follow my heart entirely too much without thinking things through. And frankly, I like all that about me.
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