Monday, June 18, 2012

At least the weather was nice...

  So I actually had a few false start posts in the last few weeks. Nothing ever seemed to come to fruition though, obviously. Was it avoidance of reality or just a time crunch/brain freeze? Meh, your guess is as good as mine.
  Tracy's gone, or may as well be. I'm admitting it here, I almost didn't make the trek to Spokane to see her graduate. I had worked a long week teaching brand new classes under the scrutiny of HQ quality assessors, the house was shot, and life was a mess. Did I really have the energy and time to spend my two precious free days in the car? Like that thought could possibly last more than two seconds, of course I had the time and energy, this is frakkin Tracy we're talking about people!!

  I made it to Spokane safely with the munchkins and settled in at my pal Janet's house (that's my brain twin Heathen's mom for anyone following along). Saturday morning I awoke and hit the graduation, only to find out that I was the only person there for Tracy. Everyone else was either manning her yard sale or just too much of a poopyhead to come.Yes, I use the word poopyhead, I'm a mom, so sue me. I had to leave a little early due to unforeseen lady problems, and in the midst of my quick change to rush back to Tracy, my whole world crumbled.

  I've made no pretense here that my marriage isn't coming to an end. I'm so past the finger pointing and blaming, it is what it is. I'll be honest and admit that even after years of wrestling with myself and beating my head against a wall I wasn't sure if it was really done. I felt so damn guilty for thinking that I had to stand up and take my life back. The reasons behind a decision like that are far too complex to try and capture here, and frankly I don't owe any of you an explanation anyway, so I'm not even going to try.

  There are issues here that are too delicate to discuss. Choices were made that will impact our lives for a good long time. I don't have a way to gracefully say what came to light this weekend, so I just won't. I'm not throwing anyone under a bus and I'm not going to help someone who matters to me beat themselves to a pulp in public. So I will just say, shit happens. Guess what, we're human. Sometimes we do stupid things, and other people get hurt in the process. Fair or not, doesn't matter. I was left reeling. I'm not terribly adept at dealing with emotion, so trying to sort something coherent out of the tangled mess in my head was near on impossible. In addition to being there for Tracy, I was luckily in a position to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends at a time when I desperately needed them. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I could not have made it through this weekend with any semblance of self respect intact had I not had these ladies with me. They circled the wagons and kept me from saying or doing things I would regret. It has been a challenge at times to try and be a grown up in all this, but the weekend I just came through was about as close to Hell as I can imagine and tested that ability to its fullest.

   There have been a few long and tearful talks with the X this weekend, and despite the pain we have communicated better than we had in years.There's anger, sure, but there have also been long overdue apologies and some tentative steps towards smoothing old scars. I am almost ashamed to say that I told him I hope he is choking on some of the things he has said to me, and that I hope they hurt so he can understand how it felt to hear them. Note that I said "almost ashamed". Maybe it took this for him to realize what I've been trying to tell him for years. Or maybe I'm just petty and vindictive.

  On any account, he is trying to make things right. He stopped by to see the kids today and made plans for more time with them very soon. He apologized for telling me I was banned from functions with his family (his mother had already told me she didn't endorse that view, so I wasn't too worried) and even admitted that he was wrong and just said it out of anger. Those are big steps from him, believe me, after 14 years I know. It was refreshing for us to sit down and clear the air without being defensive or raising our voices.

  To me, it was all worth it. I wish I had known I would be run through the wringer, but even getting blind-sided can have good results now and then. I know this is over. I am at peace. I have spent years wondering if I simply wasn't good enough and wondering why the life that was supposed to be perfect just wasn't working for me. How could I be so wrong and so out of place when I was doing everything I was supposed to? What kind of screwed up specimen must I be to make it all go so horribly terribly awry? Finally I get the reassurance that this is right, that I really am headed in the right direction. There is a lot of healing and hard work in the future to make things work, I know that. But the clean slate started today. I am ready to move on.

   I don't have all the answers, and it won't be easy, but I can do this. I am stronger and taller and brighter and more sure than I have ever been.

  Tighten those shoes strings kiddos, because here we go.... 

Monday, June 4, 2012

I've been pounding on something frivolous for here recently. It's coming in fits and starts and I'm so overwhelmed with other stuff that it keeps getting pushed aside.
But in the meantime, I have something to get off my chest...

As I write this I am sitting at my new desk. The desk itself isn't new, in fact it's been pretty thoroughly loved in its lifetime, but it's new to me. With the help of a friend  I hauled this huge, heavy, wooden monster from Spokane to Seattle, along with a happy green chair and some other knick-knacks. I alternately want to avoid this desk and curl up under it for a long, cozy nap. This desk is heavy with more than just the weight of the wood which created it...
This is the desk where I met Tracy.
So many years ago she sat at this desk in *her* house, soon to be three houses ago, with *her* computer and started to share her world with, well, the world. Not long after I came along online and we figured out we lived in close proximity and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now I get to sit here everyday and absorb all the memories that have steeped into the swirling grain of this desktop over the years. And it's sad. And it's happy. And it's just...a lot.
So, ya know, there's that...