Sunday, November 16, 2014

So. Life. It kinda sucks sometimes eh?

That first month was hell.
A kind of hell I could never imagine. Or even find the words to describe in hindsight really.
I was physically unable to eat. I couldn't sleep when I was alone, but when I was around people all I wanted to do was sleep. I really couldn't believe most days that I even had the mental capacity to remember how to breathe.
Being associated with that man has led to problems at work. Apparently when you're married to someone with an ethics problem you get painted with the same brush. My career has taken a major hit and it's bound to get worse before it gets better.
The depth and variety of the pain I felt...unimaginable. To be used and abused in such a callous manner just strips every shred of humanity right out of you.
Then came the ulcer. Vomiting blood and staggering abdominal pain. Informing your doctor that you need the whole spectrum of STD testing isn't exactly a walk in the park either fwiw.
And still I was willing to compromise. Still I believed that if I just worked hard enough and loved hard enough and sacrificed enough it could all work out.
I know exactly what flipped the switch inside me. I'm not ready to share that story, pride or raw wounds perhaps, but maybe I will someday. Suffice it to say that enough was finally enough. I think my exact words went something like "Stay away from me you lying, manipulative, abusive fuck." I am eloquent above all else.

That delightful conversation happened while I was out of town for work, and the rest of that week was amazing. I was able to see so many old friends who I missed dearly, and I was surrounded by love and joy the whole time. Somewhere in there I found it again. That spark I thought he had killed forever, turns out it was just a quietly smoldering ember, waiting for the right blend of fuel to bring it back to life.
Some days are harder than others obviously, but most of the time I can remember who I am and slap that smile on my face and make it look easy. As my Rosie the Riveter tattoo reminds me, I'm one tough chick, I can do this. It may not always be pretty, but the important stuff gets handled.

I filed for divorce a month ago. I didn't have the money to file everything so my best friend wired me the difference from another frakkin country to make it happen. When you're little your best friends gives you their cookies, when you're grown up they give you money for a divorce. Friendship is a funny thing.
Still a few months left on the waiting period, but he was in so much of a rush to be rid of me that he signed a Joinder and the terms ended up relatively favorable for me and the kids. No court date means less opportunity for me to punch him in the throat in public, probably a good thing.
The kids still don't know. He's been out of the house since January so this isn't a big change for them, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject with them. The first time he left us my daughter ended up in counseling for months and since they're all doing well for now I'm in no rush to ruin that. I'll figure it out eventually.

About a week after I returned home he showed up on my doorstep. Since he was blocked from my phone and Facebook and email and even Twitter I was unaware that he'd been trying to reach me. I will admit to far more malicious glee at watching him get on his knees and beg than I really should have had. I've heard that song and dance before, though never quite like this. We have reached a tenuous truce that allows us to maintain professionalism at work and allows me to stay out of jail because the desire to inflict bodily harm has mostly abated. By all accounts he has finally realized he's one messed up fellow and is trying to address that. He's attending regular therapy sessions, he has tried to convince management at work that I am above reproach, and he does things like coming over to mow my huge lawn when he knows I'm not home to stop him and tell him to go to hell. I hope he fixes himself, I really do. But mostly I hope I can fix myself and somehow heal from everything that I've been through in the last few years.

Some days I'm tougher than I thought, and some days I break down at the slightest thing. There's a lot of anger and that's hard because true anger is not something that comes naturally to me. I'm learning that my whole-hearted optimism is great, but only when tempered with an understanding of what people are emotionally equipped to do. I'm learning that being wary of people isn't a bad thing, it's a wise way of protecting oneself from the unknown.
Bears can kill and maim. They're not evil, it's just a bear doing what bears do, but you still have to be aware and alert to protect yourself. Right now, everyone I meet is a bear. I don't think they're evil, but I acknowledge what human nature is capable of and remain alert for signs of danger...and that's not so bad.