Wednesday, October 1, 2014

I have been emotionally abused for the last 2 years.

I never thought it could happen to me like it has, but as the dust settles and the fog clears I'm starting to recognize what someone else has done to my life.
This man is devoid of emotion. He told me that he finds the most unattractive and vulnerable women on line that he can because he knows he can get them to do what he wants. He doesn't care about the acts they perform, he just likes getting them to do whatever he says. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he only takes a woman out for dinner or drinks because he likes the challenge of getting a sex act out of them afterward.
This is the man who had me bending over backwards to prove my love to him. This is the man who had me convinced I'm too needy and too empathetic and not understanding enough. This is the man with whom I entrusted the rest of my life.
He ate my soul, I have nothing left. And I never saw it coming.
I am grateful for friends and professionals who are attempting to drag me out of this hell hole I am in. I have a long road ahead of me trying to heal from the destruction this has caused me. The fact that someone could take someone with a strong sense of self like me, turn them into an empty shell, and never even think twice about it is horrifying. That people like this exist in the world scares the ever loving shit out of me.

1 in 25 people is a sociopath. That means that 1 in 25 people has no conscience whatsoever to speak of. We are their playthings. If it can happen to me then it can happen to anyone. Inform yourself, because I never want to see anyone end up where I am right now.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

OKAY, fine, I'm ready to admit it

I married a sociopath.

I know a lot of people say that when they're mad and they get abandoned by a spouse (for a second time in my case), but when even the person you're talking about has admitted they clearly have Antisocial Personality Disorder there's just no room for questioning.

The short version is this:
3 months after my wedding I caught my husband visiting webcam chat sites. Then it was dating sites. Then, finally, when he was texting someone else in right in front of me, I kicked him out.
He was sleeping with random people he picked up on Craigslist and doing...other things....that I can't even bear to admit to dear friends, much less write here.
Two months later he was back. I had finally started pulling myself and my kids together (my daughter is STILL in counseling) from the disaster that his sudden abandonment left us in and here he comes waltzing back in.He was so sorry, he had screwed up, I was all he wanted and he loved me more than he could ever understand. He allowed me to install spyware on his phone and computer and slowly, painfully we started working things out.
Fast forward 6 months. We're still living apart because he has a lease that's not up yet and there's no way he's coming back in my house without some serious counseling under his belt. I have a trip to the ER with my eldest and text him when we finally go home 8 hours later. Late in the morning I still have no reply. I start to wonder if he ever even received the text, our service is sometimes spotty, so I take the easy route and check through the spyware.

I think you see where this is going....

Yep, for the last month he had been online picking up women. Finding the most desperate women he could to talk them into webcam sex and sending truly awful nude photos. The things he asked of some of these women are...you don't wanna know. Hell I don't wanna know and it's just stuck in my head forever at this point. He has been flirting with women in other towns so he can schedule hook ups when he travels for work. The job we work TOGETHER. Embarrassing doesn't even begin to cover it.

So I'm trying desperately to avoid him. He's already signed divorce paperwork so now it's just a matter of trying to save the money to file. He was sad for about a day that he had "lost his best friend" and now he's happily trying to get in the pants of DOZENS of other women. Watching him in action is just about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, and to say that I've been mind-fucked would be a gross understatement.

Okay, that's it. I just don't have it in me for anymore of this tonight. Slowly but surely I hope to get through this, but my life has been such a nightmare over the last year and a half that I really don't know how long it will take...
Prayers are graciously accepted.

Monday, May 19, 2014

It's been a year

And what a year...
Sometimes, when things in life start to unravel, you don't notice the frayed edges and errant strings until it's too late. Then you're just standing in a pile of tangled, twisted string trying to figure out how to put it back together. The blank screen before you, with all the empty space just waiting to be filled, feels like an enemy in those moments. If I start to share the cracks weaken further, the dam breaks, it all becomes real. And real is something you can't allow.

My husband, a man I love very much and who I had committed to spend my life with, had demons. We all do in one form or another, but some people have demons that take over their hearts and their minds and their lives so completely that in the end all you have is a heap of ash where your life once stood. Sometimes people end up in a hole so dark and so deep that the will to scramble out eventually relents to the urge to just roll over and embrace the ugly solitude.

When the first glimmer of a problem became apparent, I stood firm. Laid down some ground rules, started looking for programs and resources to help. When it emerged again and again, I found a counselor who was willing to take on the challenge and made sure we kept regular appointments. I gave him space and allowed him room to sort through things. Finally, the last straw dropped. I told him to pack his things and go, because my self respect was too great to allow such treatment, even unconditional love has limits.

Then I died inside.

I never thought hurt could be like this. So all encompassing. Every nerve in your body screams with pain, and eventually it all goes numb. Emotional trauma became physical. I lost so much weight that my clothes began to fall from my frame. I was physically unable to eat, even the smell of food made me nauseous. I had to prepare my children's lunch next to the kitchen sink so I could vomit. I didn't sleep, then I slept too much. I avoided everyone and everything, with the exception of one friend who would get calls and texts from me at all hours, sometimes quite lucid and other times raving and incoherent, raging in circles demanding answers like a rabid dog chasing its tail.

And the rage, oh the rage... I had never before felt such complete, white hot, life altering disdain for another person. I was overwhelmed by my anger and by the betrayal that had been enacted upon me and my children. More than once I slid into my husband's cubicle at work and spit seething whispers of anger into his ear while he sat, unmoving, never looking me in the eye. In those moments I lost myself, became someone I didn't recognize. All the work I have put into being a respectful, honorable, loving person would disappear in an instant and I turned into small pale version of the Incredible Hulk. Instead of using my fists to smash rock I was using my words and rage to emotionally decimate another person, or trying to anyhow.

To him, we were irrelevant. He maintained through it all that he loves me and it wasn't about me and I didn't do anything wrong and he's just not made to be selfless and he's not cut out for marriage. My tears and pain made him angry. He had moved on, why couldn't I? I searched for, and found, specifics on his repeated betrayals that left me more twisted and shattered. And still he ignored it, moving on with his life, seeking out all the things that he knew would make him happy.

I returned to our counselor, now mine alone. I forced myself to talk to new people, even though all I wanted to do was hide. I started trying to turn off the questions and the pain and stop the downward spiral of anger, hate, and despair that I was allowing to control me. Sometimes I had a day where I could smile, and even if it was fake it was a start at trying to move on so it counted for something.
I learned a lot. I have learned so much about other people's capabilities and our expectations of them. Judging someone by OUR criteria sets them up to fail. If you judge someone's love for you by the way you want them to act, you'll just guarantee both of you walk away disappointed. I identified my center and started moving back to that place. I accepted that it really WASN'T about me. I realized that I am phenomenal. No, really. People I met were blown away by me, admiring things I just couldn't see within myself. After the millionth person says the same thing you kind of have to step back and reassess.

At some point I started to pack away my sorrow and my anger and move my life forward. Good days weren't as far apart as they had been before and bad days were mostly manageable, even if they were still jagged around the edges and felt an awful lot like recovery from the flu. I accepted that I would be doing this on my own again and I started to make it work. Not perfect, but the train wreck was being cleaned up a little at a time. Sometimes, in spite of that angry sucking wound in my chest, I took a breath that didn't hurt. Sometimes I laughed. And sometimes, where I least expected it, I found love in the world.


Saturday, March 30, 2013

So there's that...

Wow, so much has happened since January, holy cow.
At the end of January I flew across the country to spend 3 weeks in Washington DC. I've been sort of assisting with this new program for the last two years, and it finally got the green light to branch out to other airports. Then the process was handicapped by the Collective Bargaining Agreement put in place by our new union (don't get me started on how much I disagree with this completely useless and counterproductive union) and this little thing you may have heard of called sequestration. All those hoops have pushed the official roll date back almost a year, but at least we got it into one more airport before things really got difficult. It was exhausting but rewarding.

3 weeks is a long time away from home btw. Good news is though...I got to see Tracy! I wasn't too far from her house and so we spent plenty of time hanging out together. It's hard to believe I hadn't seen her in 8 months, we haven't been apart that long since we met! It was beyond amazeballs.

When I came back I found out that while I was gone my mail was stolen and someone tried to cash a convenience check on a credit account. Ha, joke's on them, I have no available credit! 3 days later I was pickpocketed on the bus home and someone stole my phone, or as I often refer to it "The precious". I spent about a week believing that absolutely every person in the world is awful and hateful. I got over it.

So then I came back here and went crazy for about a month and then I got married.

Yeah, there are some people who might say this was a little soon. Those people don't really know me or him or the situation, so I don't care. If you had told me a year ago that I'd be in good, nay, fantastic, place now I would never have believed you, it seemed impossible. Even the skeptics in my life cannot maintain their stance once they've met him and seen us together. A dear, long time friend who was in attendance at the wedding said it was a real treat to finally see me happy. I was surprised and said that I wasn't aware I seemed unhappy before. A thoughtful look crossed her face and she said "Yeah, I wasn't either...but seeing what joy looks like on you really highlights the difference". There was SO MUCH love that day, not just in us and our deliciously geeky ceremony, but from the kids and our friends and the family members that could make it and the people who came that might as well be family. Heather flew in from San Antonio just to be there, and Tracy came from Virginia, not a short trip. Some people even drove 5 hours to be there and then turned around and drove 5 hours home afterward. I know really truly amazing people. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm not complaing that's for sure.

There was bad stuff too, I'm not going to lie. My new husband's ex-wife decided a couple of days before the wedding that she wouldn't allow his children to attend, even though clothing was purchased and plans had been made months in advance. Then the night before the wedding she emailed him to say she plans to move far far out of state and take the kids with her (and she wants him to finance it, but that's a different story). The venue also texted at 10 pm the night before to tell us they'd accidentally broken 4 of our 6 centerpiece vases. Ultimately we made the decision to just take a breath, not sweat the unimportant stuff, and deal with the big issues starting the day AFTER the wedding. I've really had to learn about identifying the things I can change and the things I can't, because getting frazzled over things I can't change has been an extremely fruitless endeavor . I'm still working on not worrying or stressing over things I can't can't change, but let's take it one step at a time...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Hello, my name is...

Chopped Liver.

I just found out that I'm being sent to DC for work for 3 whole weeks. Actually they asked for 4 weeks, but there's no way I could be away from my kids for so long. 3 weeks away from my life is going to be rough in itself. At least I'll have constant work to keep me busy during the day and too exhausted at night to feel lonely.
Anyhow, I was telling the kids I have to leave for work and their grandma is coming to stay with them. All they had to say when I told them was "Is Picklejar still going to come over for dinner while you're gone? We'd miss him if he didn't come over for 3 weeks".
Can you believe that?!
I was fixin to bust out the mom speech. You know, the one that starts "I carried you IN MY WOMB for 9 months..." but then I realized that it's actually a good thing they aren't entirely fixated on me and totally dependent upon me to make decisions anymore. For a long time after the split I couldn't hardly leave the room without one of them freaking out, so a little breathing room feels a lot more healthy.
A delightful side effect of work in DC...TRACY!! I cannot tell you how excited I am to see her and the red headed terrorists again, it feels like it's been forever. There are some other friends in the area I want to say hello to, but I plan to hop on the Metro every night after work and head to her house. And weekends are going to be crazeballs! I have it on good authority that we will even get a chance to go do something WITHOUT KIDS while I'm there! The excitement, it's too much, I need to sit down for a minute...
I've been working on a new training program for the government entity that employs me for almost 2 years now. Finally it has moved on to the next stage and we're introducing it at another airport. This airport is right by Headquarters, so our training classes are going to be closely monitored by big wigs and mucky mucks waaaaay up the food chain from me. The course itself is super involved to lead, 5 straight days of grinding, but with "super important people" watching our every move it will be even more intense. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally now, but I guess there's no telling how it will really go until I get there. All in all, just knowing that I finally get to see this program take off is indescribable. This is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever undertaken where work is concerned, and it's definitely the most rewarding. Just a couple more weeks...

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Well color me shocked

My middle kid (Thing 2) got baptized this last weekend. Hard to believe that a year ago I had a kid who felt like he wanted to die because his world was falling apart. I'm not kidding, he once tried to run out in traffic. But now, especially since  he decided he's thrilled to have a stepdad in his future, he's returned to my happy, calm, exceptionally aware kid. You could feel the spirit and belief in the room when he made the choice to be baptized. His dad couldn't be there but he decided to have both grandfathers be a part of his special day. My dad baptized him, which was kind of a big deal since my dad wasn't a member when I was baptized, and my ex's father confirmed him. It was really, truly awesome to have them both be a part of his day.
The reeeeeeeally awkward part came from Thing 2 wanting my future dh (I shall hereafter call him Picklejar) to be at his special day too. Oh yeah, let's just get my formers in the same room as my future and all just spend a few hours hanging out together. Yikes. It's pretty messed up when my crazy parents and the Sister missionaries are Picklejar's comfort zone. My ex hasn't as yet discussed my impending nuptials with his family, so we pretty much just tried to avoid that side of the room so that we wouldn't ruin my son's big day. It almost worked too...
I swear, I only stepped out of the room for, like, 5 minutes. Somehow, in that short time, my former mother-in-law searched out Picklejar and introduced herself. As soon as he said his name she replied, "Oh yes, Thing 1 has mentioned you before". Bum bum bummmmm. Poor Picklejar, awkwarrrrrd.
Other than that, it all went beautifully, but, ya know, that was a pretty big thing.
Anyhow, later the former's left but my former brother and sister-in-law and the cousins were still there. I pulled my sister-in-law aside and filled her in and she even said they'd come to the wedding. And then she said something that really hit home...
My sister-in-law mentioned that a couple of years ago, at a family campout, all she could feel was a dark cloud around me. Now, she said, she feels a calm glow around me and the kids, and she can tell Picklejar is a good guy.She claims that she is honestly happy for all of us and wishes us the best. This was really the last thing I expected to be honest.
The bishop and the RS president both talked it out with me, and they feel good about where I'm going. The Sister missionaries frakkin love the guy and are happy for our family. Finally, we are almost at the beginning of our life together and everything seems to be coming together.
In the next installment of "As My World Rotates", the experience of breaking the news to coworkers, which was delightfully evil and fun.....

Saturday, December 29, 2012

3 months?

That's not so bad, right?
So much stuff flying through my head, so I'm just going to get some of it down now and worry about the rest later...

I signed both boys up for soccer. During the school year. Right at the end of September if you're keeping track of when my posts stopped. If you've ever done this before then you know exactly where this went sideways, but if you haven't then please allow me to explain...
After work every day I had just enough time to change clothes, pick up the kids, and drive to the other side of ton during rush hour for soccer practice. Usually we were a bit late. Luckily, the boys had staggered days of practice, so I only had to do this 4 days a week. Homework and dinner took a serious turn for the worse during this time. Then, the Boys and Girls Club neglected to mention that they had decided to give the kids double headers every Saturday so that they'd get more games. Suddenly I had two different boys to get to two different locations at 4 different times on Saturday morning! I spent more time running between games checking on kids than I did actually WATCHING them play. After 2 weeks my boyfriend started shuttling one kid and I took the other and we switched off the next weekend , etc so I got to see each kids' games every other week, which was distinctly better than the previous system. Thank goodness that ended. Two months of pure torment. Suffice to say I have learned my lesson and won't be doing that again any time soon.

The ex has taken to calling the kids every two or three weeks. Usually this leads to another bout of toileting problems with my 5 year old and it's just a ton of fun. I understand that he's at a training academy and is quite busy studying, but if you have time to drive to Orlando for an NBA game or to go to Universal Studios, then you can certainly find time to pick up a frakkin phone. I never in a million years thought this was the kind of father he'd be if we split. It's hard to believe this is the guy who said he wanted the kids full time. After we split, he didn't contact the kids for almost 3 months. He used to tell me he didn't have the time or money to drive from his parent's to see them. Then I found out he was driving PAST our house to go see his secret girlfriend and, well, my sympathy for his situation became much harder to find.

I've been emotionally involved with someone for a while now. We were attracted to each other while I was still married, and I was honest with my ex about it. When we split I began spending more time with this person, but I was as respectful as possible towards my ex about it. I kept things firmly in the friend zone, and we spent time with the kids to help keep us honest. Then I found out one day that while I was taking care of my ex's budget and making sure his bills got paid and doing all necessary paperwork for him, he was sleeping with a female soldier from his unit. I had been ripping myself to shreds and allowing him to tell me how horrible I was when the whole time he was using that carefully budgeted money to buy Mother's Day flowers and other goodies for his girlfriend. Oh hell no.

It took almost 6 months for him to agree to sign divorce paperwork. Hey, why get divorced when you have a girlfriend for fun and a wife to take care of your responsibilities? It took another 6 months for everything to be finalized. Because he decided to change jobs right before our final paperwork was submitted I had to make changes in a mad rush and missed some things, so the judge sent it back for us to change and sign. Ex, of course, is in Georgia for work and I once again had to wait on him for everything to be submitted and mailed. Still, I have kept my mouth shut and preserved his reputation with his family and willingly been cast aside by certain members of his family. It serves no purpose to reveal his treatment of me, other than making me feel good for a little while.

The reason I share this is because in June, when I found out about the girlfriend, I moved my friend out of the friend zone. He has been joining our family for dinner almost every night, we have had several family activities with his children, and he has become a regular part of my kids' lives, filling their need for a steady male influence. When I had to work Christmas Eve day he took the day off to watch the kids for me. While I was at work he sat the kids down for a little talk. He explained to the kids that he loves me very much, and that as he's spent time with all of us he has come to love them very much as well. He told them he wants to be a part of our family, and then he asked them if it was okay to ask me to marry him. Apparently they all responded in the affirmative, because that night, after everyone had opened their Christmas Eve pajamas, he asked if I would marry him. I looked to the kids and asked their thoughts, and there was an enthusiastic "YES" from the ranks.

We're planning to get married just a few months from now. Since we both had Justice of the Peace weddings the first time around we want to have a real celebration of the joy we've found. I'm finally being accepted for me, not in spite of me. I'm in an honest and respectful relationship, where disagreement isn't a failing on my part, just a difference of opinion. I'm with someone who will voluntarily start cleaning my house, just because it needs to be done. It's a partnership, and we both give as much as we take. When I need to lean on him for strength while I cry, I do. And when he needs to lean on me when life gets hard to handle, he does. It's a perfect type of balance that I thought was made up, there was no possible way it could exist...until it suddenly did. This honest commitment to someone as an equal is what love is about. After so many years of being told I'm nuts for hoping for more from my relationship, I've finally out I'm not crazy, there really is something more out there. I'm reminded of when our marriage counselor pulled me aside to tell me "He's never going to get it, he doesn't even want to understand what you're saying. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you still here"?  It took almost a year to understand what she meant, but now I get it...