Saturday, December 29, 2012

3 months?

That's not so bad, right?
So much stuff flying through my head, so I'm just going to get some of it down now and worry about the rest later...

I signed both boys up for soccer. During the school year. Right at the end of September if you're keeping track of when my posts stopped. If you've ever done this before then you know exactly where this went sideways, but if you haven't then please allow me to explain...
After work every day I had just enough time to change clothes, pick up the kids, and drive to the other side of ton during rush hour for soccer practice. Usually we were a bit late. Luckily, the boys had staggered days of practice, so I only had to do this 4 days a week. Homework and dinner took a serious turn for the worse during this time. Then, the Boys and Girls Club neglected to mention that they had decided to give the kids double headers every Saturday so that they'd get more games. Suddenly I had two different boys to get to two different locations at 4 different times on Saturday morning! I spent more time running between games checking on kids than I did actually WATCHING them play. After 2 weeks my boyfriend started shuttling one kid and I took the other and we switched off the next weekend , etc so I got to see each kids' games every other week, which was distinctly better than the previous system. Thank goodness that ended. Two months of pure torment. Suffice to say I have learned my lesson and won't be doing that again any time soon.

The ex has taken to calling the kids every two or three weeks. Usually this leads to another bout of toileting problems with my 5 year old and it's just a ton of fun. I understand that he's at a training academy and is quite busy studying, but if you have time to drive to Orlando for an NBA game or to go to Universal Studios, then you can certainly find time to pick up a frakkin phone. I never in a million years thought this was the kind of father he'd be if we split. It's hard to believe this is the guy who said he wanted the kids full time. After we split, he didn't contact the kids for almost 3 months. He used to tell me he didn't have the time or money to drive from his parent's to see them. Then I found out he was driving PAST our house to go see his secret girlfriend and, well, my sympathy for his situation became much harder to find.

I've been emotionally involved with someone for a while now. We were attracted to each other while I was still married, and I was honest with my ex about it. When we split I began spending more time with this person, but I was as respectful as possible towards my ex about it. I kept things firmly in the friend zone, and we spent time with the kids to help keep us honest. Then I found out one day that while I was taking care of my ex's budget and making sure his bills got paid and doing all necessary paperwork for him, he was sleeping with a female soldier from his unit. I had been ripping myself to shreds and allowing him to tell me how horrible I was when the whole time he was using that carefully budgeted money to buy Mother's Day flowers and other goodies for his girlfriend. Oh hell no.

It took almost 6 months for him to agree to sign divorce paperwork. Hey, why get divorced when you have a girlfriend for fun and a wife to take care of your responsibilities? It took another 6 months for everything to be finalized. Because he decided to change jobs right before our final paperwork was submitted I had to make changes in a mad rush and missed some things, so the judge sent it back for us to change and sign. Ex, of course, is in Georgia for work and I once again had to wait on him for everything to be submitted and mailed. Still, I have kept my mouth shut and preserved his reputation with his family and willingly been cast aside by certain members of his family. It serves no purpose to reveal his treatment of me, other than making me feel good for a little while.

The reason I share this is because in June, when I found out about the girlfriend, I moved my friend out of the friend zone. He has been joining our family for dinner almost every night, we have had several family activities with his children, and he has become a regular part of my kids' lives, filling their need for a steady male influence. When I had to work Christmas Eve day he took the day off to watch the kids for me. While I was at work he sat the kids down for a little talk. He explained to the kids that he loves me very much, and that as he's spent time with all of us he has come to love them very much as well. He told them he wants to be a part of our family, and then he asked them if it was okay to ask me to marry him. Apparently they all responded in the affirmative, because that night, after everyone had opened their Christmas Eve pajamas, he asked if I would marry him. I looked to the kids and asked their thoughts, and there was an enthusiastic "YES" from the ranks.

We're planning to get married just a few months from now. Since we both had Justice of the Peace weddings the first time around we want to have a real celebration of the joy we've found. I'm finally being accepted for me, not in spite of me. I'm in an honest and respectful relationship, where disagreement isn't a failing on my part, just a difference of opinion. I'm with someone who will voluntarily start cleaning my house, just because it needs to be done. It's a partnership, and we both give as much as we take. When I need to lean on him for strength while I cry, I do. And when he needs to lean on me when life gets hard to handle, he does. It's a perfect type of balance that I thought was made up, there was no possible way it could exist...until it suddenly did. This honest commitment to someone as an equal is what love is about. After so many years of being told I'm nuts for hoping for more from my relationship, I've finally out I'm not crazy, there really is something more out there. I'm reminded of when our marriage counselor pulled me aside to tell me "He's never going to get it, he doesn't even want to understand what you're saying. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you still here"?  It took almost a year to understand what she meant, but now I get it...

1 comment:

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