Any day now

Been a busy couple of months. I went to OKC for work, then I came back, then I went to DC for work, then I came back. It's awfully hard to travel for work when you have 3 kids and no support network. Since dh and I are separated he has no desire to watch the kids so I can work morning shifts or take work trips. He feels that's something a spouse does and I don't want to be his spouse so why should he help? I'm not going to pick apart that logic, I know it's because he's hurt and, well, it is what it is. To his credit he did watch the kids for my DC trip and he stepped up when I had a last minute schedule change this week. Just asking him makes me feel awful though, since I know how much he hates it. The program I'm running goes national in June, and I'm supposed to fly to OKC again to start teaching the workforce. I'm hoping to find a way to take the kids with me, that would be a treat for everyone I think.
January was when dh moved out and that part was pretty rough. I never thought it would fail, I would fail. And just because it wasn't working doesn't mean it was an easy decision. I tore myself apart for years over this, and though I know this was the right thing, the realization that I'm about to be a single mom who crushed someone's world is a heavy burden. That's a lot of stuff coming from a lot of directions.
Right now it's just about slowly separating our finances and interests and trying to simply survive. My world is crumbling at the edges. I can't keep up with chores and errands, I have an outpatient procedure coming up, divorce paperwork is very confusing, my middle boy is taking his father's absence very hard, and oh so much more. Every day is work, from dawn to dusk. Get up, get things done, go to bed. Get up the next day and do it again. There have been some rays of light that feel like warm tender mercies, like the chance to go to the local Comicon and a coworker coming over to tune up the lawnmower and do some yard work. A family from church took the kids for a couple hours one day, and another friend has proposed a babysitting swap so I can get some down time now and then.
I'm still here though, still kicking and scrambling, still reaching for that joy God wants for us all. I have a strange sense of peace amid the chaos, moments of calm in the storm. I know I'm going to start figuring it out soon, pulling together all those loose ends and moving forward.
I'm counting on it, any day now...